It’s funny how some things come out of the ether. You don’t think about them–at least, not consciously. You don’t see them. But then one day you feel a bit lighter and realize something happened to you, like you stumbled on some semblance of enlightenment. I didn’t read a book about any of it–yet–and I didn’t watch a video. I spent some time on the Fediverse for a couple weeks, just going around being helpful, chatting with newbies and others around the world in snippets, and that was about it.
After my sinus infection and week off of work for it (grr…), I just tried new things. I let Thanksgiving and the little mishaps slide by. My house is still a wreck, but today I got up and did more than usual, even with a bit of a headache.
I know I haven’t accomplished very much at all the past few weeks that wasn’t cooking-related, but I feel a bit lighter. Even my job, which some days I wish I never had, I just have managed to take as it is and roll with it. Hell, some days I’m damn near looking forward to going to work.
That one is a bit baffling because I still hate driving as much as ever, but at least I’m not dreading the work-week lately.
I didn’t expect it, but somehow in the past week, I learned to let go a bit.
Yes, I’m still in a bad place financially and career-wise. Yes, I’m still fighting my impulsiveness and my fear of screwing up. Yes, I still have difficulty believing in myself and what creative energy I have in me (if only I’d take a good look). But the tension has lessened a bit. Somehow. That’s the part that baffles me. I would think I’d be in a panic, unable to sort things out, demanding of myself that things must be done a certain way and getting pissed off that I’m not achieving anything. I thought I’d be fretting over every cent in my account, hoping that this time next year I don’t have to sell everything to make ends meet.
I had a bit of that last week, but now somehow I’m calm… for lack of a better word. It’s far different than the “nothing getting done” or “need a better job” reminders and feelings that keep bombarding me in the midst of depression, which has an underlying current of hopelessness running through it.
I do have a lot of pressing matters and I know I need to get things going, but for once I’m not driving myself crazy and berating myself for my lack of accomplishment. Yes, things need doing, skills need learning, and health is super important. Perhaps this is some unintentional meditation at work and my brain’s finally receptive to it. I’m just…being here. Even at night, right before sleep, when those “what-if’s” crawl inside my ears… I shake them off a bit easier.
I can’t figure out what I did to make that happen, but I hope it continues. It’s much easier to take my time, look at the bigger picture, and evaluate things when my thoughts aren’t driving me crazy, whirling around and smashing into each other.
Part of it became apparent when I resigned myself to buying another giant birdcage because there was no way I was going to get rid of many–if any–of these baby budgies I’ve got. More are hatching and I’m learning to deal. But instead of stacking cages, trying to find room in hopes that I can sell some to a store, I’ll just let these guys be and keep ’em best I can. When I get a willing buyer, then I’ll sell ’em. But when I made the decision to condense things and have another huge, permanent cage, it’s like some of the worry went away. I accepted that reducing my population was going to take time and a bit more research to stop the breeding for a while (One couple is just determined to procreate, it seems. They were done before this point last year so I thought they were winding down, but nope.) This is why I was unprepared. But I just have to accept I made a miscalculation and take care of them. And whether I get the call to sell tomorrow or next month… okay.
If anything, this acceptance might help me learn ways to make a side business selling them from my house. Win-win.
I took that bit of pressure off myself, and I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing until this evening.
Unless I was willing to do something terrible and drastic (like set them loose or kill them), I can’t control when these birds will leave my care in a healthy state. I started taking it a day at a time, caring for them like usual and going through the routine without wondering about how long I’ll have to keep them and how much it’ll cost to feed them. And then that pressure dropped enough that I could just enjoy their company… and I started doing a little more around the house. Not too much, but enough to make me feel that perhaps that depressive, fatalist voice was going away and I could crawl toward fulfilment over depression much easier.
I just wish I knew what had happened to make me feel far calmer when I’m pretty much in the same mess and same sense of achievement as I was a few weeks ago. I just somehow feel better about it. Maybe I’m finally shedding some of that catastrophic thinking that’s followed me around for far too long.
Well, it’s time for me to shut things down and perhaps the “what-ifs” will sit out tonight. I haven’t even resumed journaling yet, but that’s on my list for tomorrow morning. And maybe those thoughts will come out and enlighten me in fantastic dreams.