I’ve spent the past two days stewing over a certain court decision and not able to get much done. I did do some research into getting back on social media, but not FB. For some reason, in the verification process or whatever, I got locked out and no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get in. So, that’s one avenue closed to me… but I really don’t care.

I hate FB and just figured it would be the easiest option to get my name out there in social media (my legit name, that is) so that if I go job searching, a prospective employer figures out that I’m a living breathing being and not a bot. I have a half-assed LinkedIn profile (I really don’t know what to say on there right now and am not really using it to search for jobs… just getting my feet wet and getting a feel for the services), but that’s it. I’m actually looking for alternative social networking sites. But with all the privacy issues I had with FB in the past, I really wanted to avoid ’em. I just need my name searchable with something more than a bunch of 10 year old info, because employers now want to know every bloody thing about you so they have an excuse to go with their best friend’s nephew and pretend that’s NOT the employee they wanted all along anyway (the real networking that companies seem to go for).

Yeah, staring down the barrel at someone who holds my immediate future in their hands? Freaky as hell. But getting blown off because of a personal connection (or ghosted) pisses me off, too.

But at the same time, if I’m gonna put myself through the chore of social media creation, I’d better find a way to have fun with it and NOT make it a chore. I’m gearing up for another round of job searches and application fill-outs tomorrow (got a bunch of tabs open for perusal, but I’m yawning while typing this, so I’d better sleep on it). But I also spent some time finding some more security-conscious social media platforms to try out. I doubt the ones I started trying to work with (and research) would be terribly searchable, but it’s worth a shot. It’s just hard when you have a global system to work with. Again, my birth name makes this tricky. My first name’s unique enough, but I don’t need somebody in another country trying to look me up and chat me up, too, so easily.

It’s that crazy fight between connection and privacy online, which has mirrored my real life more than I ever imagined it would.

But in this case, it’s because my last cyberstalkers freaked me right the hell out and I actually don’t want family looking me up (another reason I’m kinda glad I don’t have an FB profile anymore). Most of them are complete strangers to me now and I just feel nothing but dread at the idea of trying to rekindle a relationship. Somehow I’ve become a complete recluse the past few years. I’ll chat with anyone, and it’s why online appeals to me so much now. But other than my bestie and a few neighbors that’ve helped me through some tough crap, I just don’t have anything left to give in person. Or online. I don’t want to reminisce or try to meet up. It wouldn’t make sense because we have nothing in common.

And thanks to the “God squad-ing” I used to see on FB before I deleted it, and this week’s Roe v Wade decision, I’m far less inclined to talk to any of them at all. I’m pretty certain many of them were clapping in glee at what was happening. But I’m incredibly disappointed, in them and the country in general right now.

It’s not the best word to use, but I just can’t understand why. Funny enough, even when I was raised in the conservative fundamentalist bubble with Chick Tracts and sermons and the like talking about the evils of abortion, if there was a petition circulating campus to prevent restrictions to abortion or birth control, I’d sign it. Every time. I did it because even though I hated the idea of abortion and never thought I could do it myself, I knew enough that everyone has different lives. Life throws curve balls and even though you might plan for something and do everything right, something unexpected will come around (good or bad).

Abortion’s a last resort, and a very necessary one for many people. Even fundamentalist me at the time knew that.

But I also knew deep down that criminalizing abortion could lead to getting rid of the pill, IUDs, emergency procedures… all because there are some folks that think that anything that even touches on a woman’s reproductive health (that’s not a pelvic exam or husband’s penis) must be an abortifacient and legislated against immediately. THAT is what scared me most, especially when you add in that bloody stupid abstinence only “education” that just scares you or tells you to tamp down your hormones and be good. Sheesh.

I hate the folks that want it both ways: they don’t want abortion, but they don’t want to educate people about their bodies and give them access to affordable, accessible birth control, either. But it’s not about protecting the “cluster of cells,” it’s about control. What chills me most is a bunch of folks selling their souls for power over others, not realizing that on a long enough timeline, they may destroy the people or ideas they hate so much, but they’ll be on the scrapheap right behind ’em.

This quote from Henry Drummond in Inherit The Wind has been popping into my head a lot lately:

I say that you cannot administer a wicked law impartially. You can only destroy, you can only punish. And I warn you, that a wicked law, like cholera, destroys every one it touches. Its upholders as well as its defiers.

I don’t know why, but I haven’t reached the anger stage yet. I’m still in a bit of a depressive funk, and feel numb, other than an occasional chill down my spine. The anger will eventually explode, I’m sure, but I can’t seem to bring up any real emotion over the issue. Maybe it’s because I’ve been so far removed from living this situation (as in not dating or trying to date or married or anything, so the idea of pregnancy and/or abortion’s not come to mind in ages). If I had more skin in the game, though, I’m sure the anger would come much sooner. It’ll probably hit tomorrow after I check the news a few more times and then I’ll be stress cleaning to let it all out.