I don’t know how I’ve ended up in this same position every damned year. Most of October goes by and then, less than a week til November, I suddenly remember this thing I’ve aspired to do (note: mentioned and shrugged off until reminded by some random chance) and then the adrenaline hits and I kick myself for missing out on excellent prep time.
Ugh–and my writing routine has been shot to hell all around. Home issues and injuries have just made me give up the past month, but the remainder of this month is going to be spent cleaning and getting things organized properly (especially now that my thumb’s healing up nicely–at least it seems to be–and I can actually move it and not get in terrible pain when I accidentally hit it on something). I hate how circumstances dictate what ends up happening, and sometimes those circumstances can be little better than absolute crap and procrastination pitfalls.
I’m sure I looked about as alert and active as that most of the past week…
And I’ve let them dictate things for too damned long. I should’ve been so much further in my plans for writing and living in general, but somehow I let that sneaky devil of depression back in and didn’t figure it out til this past week. It had been a doozy and I spent most of it numb to the world, wondering what the hell I was doing and if I was gonna get off my ass and change things.
I was able to address some of these issues with my therapist again today, and it was a bit helpful. Other, bigger issues were in the forefront for most of the session, but I left with some ideas of things I need to tackle this week and making myself a priority. I’d managed to slip back into a “doormat” status without realizing it and that led to some major depressive dumps, because there’s no point making a stink and putting those boundaries back up if I don’t have a good excuse or workable life to plan around. I’m a terrible liar and want to have some legit reasons why I can’t be available all the time at my job. Some days I like it fine, but other days (like yesterday, hectic as hell and I was in pain) I just don’t wanna leave the house.
And I REALLY don’t want to leave on Saturdays. I fell into the “available” trap and am now signed up to work the next several Saturdays in a row. Well, it’s extra hours that I need, but the money vs. gas/time/vehicle wear and tear is just not useful enough to me, really. And I have started to HATE driving anywhere on Saturdays. I don’t know if it was the iffy weather, but people around here go crazy on Saturday and have lost all chill for the most part. And where I have to go to work is one of the busiest streets in the area AND is a major construction zone on weirdly alternating days.
But yeah, I don’t like leaving the house on Saturday, ever, and now I’m going to have to for the next month. Hopefully I can get out of it soon (though with the holidays coming up, I might not be able to). Well, come the new year, I’m gonna be doing a major “no way” to any requests and just say I can’t do it because I don’t want to and live too far (and stick to it). But I just happened to be there when two folks said they had events they couldn’t miss because of travel and competition, and I was half voluntold and I half volunteered to cover for them.
But I don’t want this to be a habit. After this past Saturday (and the annoying drive home, the fighting for place in the grocery store… yeah, not worth it), I am just going straight home and avoiding the world for the weekend. Not so much scared as I am greatly uncomfortable.
Well, I don’t wanna get into the particulars of that drive home, but let’s just say there was at least one driver and passenger near me definitely not paying attention to the road and I was waiting for an accident to happen while unable to get very far away from them if needed. Part of me was waiting for karma to intervene, but my luck’s been lousy all month, so there we go.
Seriously, almost that obvious AND nearly that distracting
Oh well. So the next few days (after work tomorrow night), I’ll be tearing this place apart, throwing things out and really prepping for November. I need to refresh my memory as to what all I should do in advance (or try to do in the meantime) before the first official day… and of course if things turn out lousy or just too difficult, find an alternative writing month to work with. I really want to do some major, purposeful writing again, and this could be a fantastic kick in the pants that will get those creative juices flowing.
Well, hope others are in better boats than I am in this regard, but hope I can catch up a little, too. Have fun, folks. The way the past few months have gone–let alone weeks–November just HAS to be sunshine and rainbows in terms of life events and changes… if there’s any semblance of balance in the universe, at least.