I’m trying not to giggle while The Pixies’ song “Where is My Mind?” goes off in my head. Because I have no clue what the hell happened the past two days while I was at home. I do remember getting a few things from the store, some really crappy eating choices, and then a bunch of computer searches that sucked up most of my last few days.

It took effort to remember the last part. At least today I got fed up enough with my dead herb garden and re-planted some seeds, which took several hours because I’d never used the little peat discs before, and it took quite a bit of water and time to see if I was getting it right.

If I felt I should check on whether or not heavily processed, cheap junk food was detrimental to my body and mind, I now have a stadium full of people yelling “no shit!” in unison (again, in my head). I was enjoying shopping for produce, and experimenting with flavorings to put in Greek yogurt (I like my mix of 1tsp vanilla and 1 tbsp local honey to go in 1 cup yogurt so far). I managed to do well this morning: yogurt, chopped fruit (pineapple, strawberries, mango, cantaloupe) with some Grape Nuts for crunch on top. Filling and tasted great.

But every other meal was totally ruined. And if I work backwards in my mind hard enough, I MIGHT be able to remember what I was doing or looking for. I know at a couple of points I researched window films and made comparisons, or tried to. At another I bought another fruit bowl online, some more writing prompts books. I did try to re-arrange kitchen counter space and wipe up, but I didn’t get very far on other chores.

The only thing I stayed largely focused on was getting the last of the parakeet babies out of the nesting boxes and into the side-cage. I’m selling them Friday to someone who helped me out when I had concerns with them the past few weeks, and I figured that they should all have a few days to get acclimated to cage life vs. cramped nesting box life. They’re so interesting to watch, and I’m sure a great deal of my most pleasant time these black-hole days was spent watching them and seeing them learn how to navigate a new environment. My biggest worry was that they were young and used to mama feeding ’em, and they might not know how to feed themselves yet. But within a few hours (I’d made sure to wait til their moms fed them well in the morning and took them out around noon), they were messing with the food bowls and nibbling away. They figured out water pretty well, too.

As I put more in the cage (1 or 2 at a time every other day), it’s like they were paying attention and teaching each other how to live. It was so interesting, and after those first two days where I was trying to move things around and help them adjust, I started trying to keep my hand out of there a bit more often. They weren’t gonna die on me, and I had to make myself pull back. The more birds went in the cage, the easier it got on them, I think. Me not messing with them helped them calm down and explore, so I sat at my dining table and watched them while I worked.

I didn’t get any exercise done, either, other than cleaning a little, and that annoys me. I slept in this morning and flirted with the idea of going in this afternoon to exercise, but that didn’t happen. The morning before one of the baby birds decided to test it’s flying ability in the cage. At least, that’s what it sounded like it was doing. I’d seen this off and on, but was really annoyed that it was chirping and trying to fly in the dark at 5am. Man, that made me tired.

I know my desire for french fries to go with my turkey burgers sent me down that crazy dark path, because where there’s french fries, there’s also all the sweets I’d fall down the rabbit hole to get. It was definitely not pleasant when I realized what I’d brought home… and then spent the next two days eating.

This is one of the big reasons I’ve been trying to stick to whole foods and not eat out at all, or go shopping without my list. It’s happened too many times, where I get something on impulse and only realize it when I’d gone home. I had to just get a few supplies, some extra washcloths, those fries, vinegar for ant bites, and calamine lotion. Nope, brought home a whole basket of binge-triggers, and it took a lot out of me to try and get some other things done instead of eat the most useless shit I could’ve eaten.

I had one bright spot today (other than with my birds) and that was going out in the yard to the garden. I managed to clean a bit around the beds while the dogs did their thing, and I found a lot of banana peppers ready to go, and some cayenne peppers. And there was also one beefsteak tomato on the vine, a bit small, but definitely good to go. I nabbed it and brought it in because I know if I left it out there one more day, it would’ve been gone thanks to a squirrel. Saw a green tomato that looked okay, but when you turned it, you’d see it was half-eaten already.

Clever little buggers.

But oh well. I just hope the rain stops soon so I can re-apply pest repellant and maybe grab a few tomatillos tomorrow, if they’re just ripe enough after all.

I just wish I recognized what was going to happen before i even hit the checkout lane. That used to happen all the time, so I guess there’s some progress that it’s not as recent. But it annoyed me that the urge to binge was still there, partly out of boredom, partly out of “you’ve been good, so why not?” But now, that food just tastes awful to me. I can’t stand those processed chimichangas anymore. Heartburn city.

And man, I forgot how much I hated microwaved breakfast burritos. I felt sick after eating them and didn’t want anything else. Dunno why my mind thought they were better than they were when the eyes saw them, but I wish I’d remembered I’d had that particular brand before and it was so far from good.

Money down the drain. And a house full of food.

That pissed me off, and somehow I just shut down and have no idea what happened.

But the trigger foods are gone now, except for a thing of fries that I haven’t messed with yet. I’m gonna get some ziploc bags and parcel out the servings and put them in the freezer again. That’s where I went wrongest of all–I let portion sizes get away from me.

Well, at least I discovered a problem instead of getting mad and harping on it.

And I’m finally tired, and the birds are restless. I’m sure they’re planning on waking me up at weird times tomorrow morning, so it’s time to get my act together, set out my workout clothes, and start fresh tomorrow.

It’s all I can do since I can’t turn back the clock, can’t go back and re-do it all. And to think, I’d been making some progress..