My brain’s been on the back burner the past few days. No matter what I tried to do, it just wasn’t going to work. Now, there were things I needed to do–and could, actually–outside, so it wasn’t so bad and it wasn’t a totally useless weekend. Today was supposed to be different, though.
Today I was supposed to get my brain into high gear and get working again on finding jobs.
Well, in some respects, I did in small doses, but I can’t help wondering how much I’m messing things up by letting my focus go completely out the window.
I spent much of the day fighting fire ants around the crape myrtle trees in the front as I tried to fill holes and put barriers around them to hold mulch. Maybe it was the brightness of the day, but I ended up with a wicked headache that still hasn’t gone away. It was nice to work outside, and yet, I felt bad about it. I ended the day trying to fix my elliptical trainer (I hate when things have to be rebooted and crap) and getting things straightened out with my bank account. That just added to my irritation because the sheer length of time.
One thing I have to learn, brain working or not, is patience. My impatience has cost me dearly many a time and only adds to the anger and anxiety about not getting anywhere the longer I let it go on. Impatience is a drain as much as procrastination is. Strange though it may seem.
And today, my brain was mostly broken. I couldn’t focus on what I needed to for job searches and work and just said “forget it” and moved on. And now, with a raging headache, I’m trying to get the same head back on track. I have a feeling Excedrin’s going to make an appearance tonight. The first time in such a long time that I actually can’t remember.
Guess I’ve been doing well the last few months. And now the head is telling me to rest, relax, and let things be for another day, because rushing it will only make it worse.
I just wish I could stop feeling guilty about not making progress on something that really needs it. It’s still a win if I make progress elsewhere, but my brain doesn’t want to feel that.
I’m worn out enough and my head is telling me it’s time to stop thinking and sleep this mess off. And perhaps tomorrow will be pain free and the squishy mass will be ready to go. I just found it so bizarre that most of the day, despite my best effort, my brain was just blank. Some days I wish it would shut up and let me be, but today’s prolonged silence was disconcerting.
There is tomorrow to hope for. I just don’t want to make that a habit to keep thinking there always IS tomorrow to get things done. Not being fatalistic, exactly, but rather some opportunities have a short shelf-life and it would be foolish to shrug away chances to leap forward.
But–again–that’s for tomorrow. And hopefully with a clearer, pain-free head.