Yeah, I feel ya, Spongebob.

I wasn’t expecting much from today, except trying to get some information for my house so when it’s time for the improvements, all is in order. I’d hoped to have more time for Masterclasses, gardening, and writing… but the records issue sucked up most of the day.

Especially after the tax fiasco that was Monday, I just felt something had to go alright this week, and those first few hours (and saying hello to a neighbor for a while) helped.

But then came the crash. The emotional one, interlaced with confusion, alarm, panic, and one of the biggest bouts of uncertainty I’d ever experienced.

Somehow, in my request for records, I might’ve stirred a hornets nest. A year ago and change I had so much trouble trying to get the title for my old house squared away and all that in order. Well, it took well over a year to make that happen, and I figured all was well now, except for some property tax issues that need clearing up.

The trouble is now, the county doesn’t seem to have any record of any building permits the entire time my family has lived here. And me, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes who hates being a burden, is terrified of screwing up, and a first time homeowner who seems to be hitting every weird problem with the bureaucracy, is alarmed at what’s coming next. I had two different people try to calm me down over the phone and just try to get with the county about the issue and see what could be done. But that was also before I learned that there seems to be 25 years of missing information.

Um…what?

And what does that mean for ME?

I was trying to have my first hot lunch in weeks and felt sick as the calls went on. I keep getting reassurance from other people that they’ll want to work with me and help get this squared away and tell me what we can do next, but I have no clue what that will entail now and how much money that might cost me.

That’s what worries me. It’s turning into an expensive week and I haven’t bought anything except the basics on Monday. I just hate the idea that there’s something I can’t understand coming around the corner.

And what REALLY sucks is the bureaucratic cockup has pushed me into some really dark thinking. After my phone calls, I had to get out of the house and get the dogs out to do their thing a while before I mentally hit rock bottom.

I brooded a bit on my favorite bench, petting my dog (who I’m sure could sense the problem), worried, tried not to get sick, and just let it wash over me. I hated every second of it because I know I had so much negative thinking bursting into my mind, but somehow I eventually was able to let it go for a few hours. I actually went inside and started stress cleaning the house, which was definitely needed. Not that it made me happy and perky again because I knew this situation’s gonna come up a few times in the next day or week, but I couldn’t do anything about it right then, so dwelling was just gonna make me feel worse.

I don’t know what happened, and I couldn’t find any copies in my records (or dad’s records) regarding permits and the like. That’s what’s so strange, and I have a hard time believing a septic system was installed without someone asking to see a permit, or meters were installed without permits, or a freaking house. Of course, I have no idea how my own permit situation went and can’t find anything there, either. I thought we got mixed up when I bought my new place because there were lots of mentions of permits being taken care of, but apparently there were so many permits to deal with that this one might’ve fallen through the cracks and we didn’t realize that it was in limbo or didn’t get through.

I have no idea what happened, and no idea what’s gonna happen next. It could just be something simple, just something like “Okay, fill out this form and let’s get this processed…” And maybe not. My brain just HAS to take me to the “end of the world” scenario that craps on everything else I could possibly do. If I wasn’t trying to finish my dinner, and didn’t have a whole lot more cleaning (at least to the point where I can get all the stuff off my bed and sleep in it), I’d be tempted to get drunk for the first time… but my Goody-Two-Shoes self wouldn’t allow that.

It’s the uncertainty, of never even hearing about this situation and trying to deal with it that’s making me crazy, and because it’s this time of year, with taxes and all, it’ll take a while to get answers. I’m trying to make myself comfortable with that, and just concern myself with other stuff. It seems that every time I make the decision to get serious about my writing and look at some ideas to work on for stories, a bizarre event or catastrophe has to just take over my life (or mind) and constantly distract me.

I have a feeling tomorrow will be full of stress cleaning, rain or shine. At least this house will be cleaner… I just have to hold my worry and temper in check, and keep the negative thoughts away so they don’t make me listless and drag me down again.

It’s supposed to rain the next few days, and thankfully, the few seedlings I’ve planted haven’t been ripped apart by squirrels yet. I hope it stays that way, and I will plant peppermint the next time I have a dry day out in the garden. I have had to force myself to look at the good and the positive the past few days, and today was a hard day to do it… but there are some things I can smile about and take a little pride in.

Right now my parakeets are winding down their day, chirping to each other (I really need to put the cover on and put them to bed). My dogs are sleeping on clean couches with clean fleece blankets on them, comfy as hell. They’re making me sleepy just looking at them. The kitchen is mostly clean, and most of the laundry was done and folded. I figured out how to use those space-saver bags and crammed seven pillows into them (and wow, it’s amazing how flat they’ll get when you figure out the best way to hold the hose with a stubborn vacuum cleaner). I learned a new way to clean with my new vacuum, and had fun using it… even if I had to laugh at myself for making my room a mess, tearing the place apart looking for what I thought was a missing piece to the hose. Instead the piece never existed and I’d confused the parts with my old vacuum.

Well, I’m going through a ton of learning curves this year… but hopefully this stressful one will be the last stressful one for quite some time.

Be well, folks, and hope your year is getting a little less confusing. A little stress cleaning and therapeutic venting can do a body good…. or at least, it seems to want to for me.

***

UPDATE from afternoon 2/25/2021:  I’d lose a lot of weight if emotional exhaustion burned as many calories as physical exhaustion does, but oh well.

At least when they called me back today, they were friendly and said, “okay, here’s what you need to do next, make an appointment with us when that gets done.” That might’ve helped me lose 10 pounds in five seconds, but the scale doesn’t agree (hee hee). So, it’s just a waiting game to get a septic inspection (because that’s the most important permit in my largely rural county) and go from there… whew!

I celebrated today with oven baked sandwiches and some quiet reading time. So worth it.