It’s been a hard road to slog through, and I’ve fallen way behind on some things and barely touched others. My days and evenings have been full of obsessively playing video games, hoping to reach ever-elusive goals.

And then, while doing that, making new reading lists for the year (because my files weren’t saving right and messed up one time, and then it didn’t look right, etc. etc.). And then I was playing games while sorting out Masterclasses to take (since they added so many the past few weeks), and a better schedule I could create.

All this while dealing with perfect weather and variable temperatures the past several days. Weather that’s been a bit chilly and nice and warm in shifts. But super bright outside, too. It was supposed to rain today, so I figured it would be a good day to stay in and get some computer stuff done.

But the trouble is, I’ve also been dealing with sharp pain behind my eyes like an occular migraine trying to come out, dizziness, and general lethargy. Even when I’ve tried to get up and do other things, my dizziness has stopped me. There’s a ton of stuff I could get done outside, and it’s so bright out there that I could have every light off in the house and it would look bright as every light on at night! Brighter, really.

I think this is part of that seasonal affective disorder (SAD) that hits, but in reverse. I should be clamoring for that out-of-place brightness because it’s winter, and usually a gray meh-ness for days on end with the occasional sunny cloudless day. Those clouds moved on quickly this morning and now it’s super bright. I’m trying not to look out there too much and will probably resort to wearing glasses in the house.

I am keeping blinds open because any legit excuse to get fresh air in the house (at a comfortable temperature) and natural light means cutting the electric bill a little each day. I know natural light is better for our eyes, and better for ourselves, especially when winter’s SAD comes in to play. But the brightness is really becoming a pain. I would usually be cheerful and happy that this is the way it is, but my head’s been so swimmy the past few days it’s hard to enjoy.

And it’s been hard to find excuses to get out there and do other stuff. I have a tree that needs clearing (two fell down and nearly hit the power line running to my house on Christmas Eve) and could get some of that done, or maybe some checking on holes I started to dig to put the hazelnut trees in. I had enough in me yesterday to dump ant killer over the spots where dead trees have been and let it sit.

I spent the past few days trying to do what I could and it hit me a couple of hours ago that this is not what I was meant to be doing. I was meant to get back into finding job opportunities and doing what I wanted to do to make an income. I let my lethargy and laziness have free reign and it lasted so long I actually stopped an hour ago, clicked off the game site’s webpage, and started pulling up job search-related stuff.

It sucks that I often fall for the illusion that I’m being productive while on tasks that are actually procrastination methods. The hamster spinning in my head is dying of exhaustion. Time to be useful.

I am very tired and I’m sure the headache is largely because I haven’t had decent sleep in days. I’ve tried to, but my thoughts have been scrambled in my head and the more I tried to quiet them or direct them into something more productive and useful, the more chaotic they became. I’m actually about to get a cup of tea and my jacket and go sit in the sun (it’s supposed to be pouring down rain, but not even close) and make a fire in the firepit and start writing again while the dogs go play.

I just can’t believe I managed to actually get bored of all my procrastination “tasks” and am in a place mentally where I’m ready to get to the next level and do something.

Physically, though, it might be problematic because I am very lightheaded with my sinuses all pinched-feeling. Sunglasses will be a must the next few days, if it stays this bright, even indoors.

Granted, how much and what I will accomplish is not clear, but it’s a step in the right direction. The thought of playing a video game any more today is just annoying to me. I am tired of screens and am breaking the habit. I’m sure even though I’m dog tired and my brain is screaming for coffee, switching to a good cup of hot tea (or ten) is going to be more beneficial because the sheer amount of coffee I’ve had the past few days (and pretty weak crap, too–can’t wait to get my dark roast back) has probably screwed up my stomach and appetite.

More than that, once I get these thoughts straightened out, I may be in a far better place to get organized and finish the half-done tasks on my to-do list. My Christmas lights are still sitting in a pile waiting to be sorted out and wrapped up and put in a box. I took them down a week ago. That’s just one of a dozen half-done items I could easily clear up if I didn’t let myself get distracted and stupid. And that I could do with a roll of tape and a box by the chair to collect ’em.

Huh.

I’ve got a crazy headache (probably hunger for real food rearing it’s ugly head, too), but am pleased that I’m about to do something different. Somehow my writing journal got lost under the minutae that I was trying to clear up and failed. I dug it out earlier and realized I hadn’t poured out my brainpan into it in weeks.

Not saying journaling is a cure-all for the mental garbage that piles up, but it can help lighten the load upstairs. At least, it seemed to when I made myself write at least two pages a day.

So, on to make a turkey and swiss on rye to take out with me (and the dogs) with my lap desk and writing journal. My girl here keeps sniffing the air and is practically vibrating with suppressed energy (when she’s not leaning her head back to aim her puppy dog eyes at me for a neck rub).

Time to oblige, I guess. Maybe they’re little friends will be outside to play today. Yesterday we were all bored because no one was around (no kids, either, poor pups). May change today.