Except for those anxious/exciting days when I was messing with my well system, that feeling of being mentally checked out hasn’t budged. When it wasn’t really dumb stuff or acts of nature working on me, I was just not there.

Honestly, if you asked me what I’d done the past few days, I’d have a hard time mentioning more than three things. Everything is still a mess and I can’t figure out how to get out of this funk.

Well, I can at least mention a few of the things I did:

1. Planted some trees. Half of my Arbor Day order came in and I gave one tree away to a neighbor (Merry Christmas) and the ones I couldn’t plant yet (need more workable soil in the holes), I stuck in a bucket with enough water to keep the bare roots covered and fed.
2. Collected the pots that fell last week and started to wipe them down and remove the names.
3. Organized my seed collection and picked out herb seeds to start.

That’s about it right there. Today I was hoping to get a lot of stuff done, but I didn’t touch any of it, except for digging two fresh holes while I took the dogs out. I’m guessing the weather is messing with me the most right now because we had an actual week of late fall/winter a a week or so ago and now we’re going through the thermometer roller coaster that’s typical of this area in December. I mean, today the fog kept the chill in the air early in the morning, but by noon the sun was fully out and it was warm enough I could’ve opened all the windows and gotten fresh air in the house.

But that headache persisted. The perfect day to get some cleaning done and the temperature and humidity changes (and that crazy-bright sun) just made me tired. I actually took a nap mid-day and woke up feeling much better. I just wished that I’d had the energy to get a lot done.

That mentally checked-out feeling is unpleasant as all hell. I should be working on my life. I should be thinking, researching, letting my imagination flow, and writing til my wrist drops off. That was the plan. That’s what I’ve wanted to do.

But my mind is gone. It’s been tired, and not helpful at all.

I’ve never felt so lazy in my life and it sucks. What’s worse is I think there’s something wrong with my knee, because when it starts getting chilly, my knee twinges badly and it wakes me up several times a night. Icy Hot only works a little while. As far as I know, other than being majorly overweight and a few minor twists in the past, I can’t think of anything I’ve done to that particular knee. Even now while I’m writing this, I am feeling that odd stretching feeling like what we used to call “growing pains” specifically in my upper knee area. It feels like it’s getting chillier outside. Maybe I twisted it in my sleep and never figured it out til the pain woke me up, I don’t know. I’m sure I’ve done it several times, but not days in a row.

I’ve had to use a wrap-around knee support most of the past mornings, at least in the first hour of walking around. That started to worry me, and maybe that’s a reason why I’ve been out of it. It’s a shame because other than that pain, I managed to get up at a decent hour and wanted to start my day. I wanted to get on the elliptical and get the day going. But the damned knee pain stopped me. A slow walk around the yard with my dogs while they did their thing had to suffice, but I had the energy for so much more. By the time I got the brace off and could move freely without a problem, well, the plans and the motivation were gone.

And on and on it goes.

This cycle of activity and cloudy thinking is not helpful at all. I’m determined to get things done around here, to make my house livable, to get plants started and the garden ready to go come the new year. I have so many things I need to do in 2021, but the pulley is stuck or something and I’m just hanging onto the line, hoping the weight on the other end doesn’t crash on my head. I can’t move, but I have to.

That’s what is slowly killing me. 2020 has been a craptastic year. If karma is real, 2021 had better be sunshine and rainbows in comparison. I’m grabbing the Icy Hot and turning in, and gonna sleep in a little to make up for this past week, and do a slow start. I think I need to do some calm breathing and take 10 minutes to think about the day, gently, and maybe get some perspective and focus that way rather than panicking about the laundry list waiting for me.

I tried that once and it seemed to work, but I forgot about it. Time to think of ways to dissipate the fog without frustration.