I’m almost at the point where I will be free to start over… & I’m wondering how to start.

It’s been a pretty insane little week with people coming in and me trying to just get through waiting for the newbie to get done with training. I have to work tomorrow and I wish I didn’t because I’m getting more headaches more often and I just want to be away from work.

It kinda sucks because the other day was pretty good overall, and I was busy and people were in a good mood, but I’m still glad I turned in my notice. It’s days like that which lull me into a false sense that things are gonna be fine and I’ll be right back to enjoying the job in no time.

I’d done that too many times in too many other jobs.

No, I couldn’t let myself fall back into that trap again.

And I don’t want to. I felt it this morning with certainty. What I want is simple: I want to be a writer, and learn how to make a living from it, and be creative in every possible capacity. I’m just so tired of going through the motions and putting things I’d rather do to the side because it’s “just a hobby” or “just something for fun.”

Who knows where I’d be now if I didn’t listen to those voices, some from parents, some from my own insecurities?

Half the things I’ve read has told me that I need to keep a day job until I get successful, or more often, that most authors still have to have a day job because they can’t make much money off their true love. I know the odds typically haven’t favored upstarts like me, and yes, I’ve spent many a weary year taking that into consideration.

And that’s what’s stopped me short of taking the time to find what I really want and pursue it my whole life.

And about half the advice has been “don’t rely on safety nets–go all out and do it!” That’s where I am right now. I know I will require many, many, many hours of flexing those muscles in my mind again, and going through old stories to get my groove back, but I’m more than eager to do so.

The trouble is, can I write anything, or is there something in particular I should focus on and make a career on it?

That could be what’s made me hesitant to jump in all the way, even at this late date, just because I’m not sure where to start… or haven’t been. But today I figured just clean up and sort out your paperwork, and dig through your file cabinet and see what you’ve done already and ideas you never played with but put away for a rainy year.

Well, this is that doozy of a rainy year, per se.

I’m working on being more patient with myself and my ideas. My first drafts are more often than not rushed looking, like I just couldn’t wait to get the overall idea on the page. Not looking at some of this stuff the past few years has made that glaringly obvious. So, even if I’m just positive I have a great story ready to be shown, my first lesson is going to have to be forcing myself to put it aside for at least a week and work on something else. Then, look things over and see what I like and what I should do. Read slowly and absorb it, make sure what you have in your head translates correctly to the page, because heaven knows most ideas seem perfect in the noggin until you send them off and go “oh, crap!”

That’s happened a few times too many. So, my journey begins when I’ve gotten my office in order. I planned to make writing my career officially on August 1st, which will give me time to clean and organize and find all these story ideas (and have all my pens, paper, notebooks, highlighters, printer, etc. organized and ready to go.

It’s gonna be something else, that’s for sure. But for the first time in years, I’m excited to start something new. I’m excited that this is something for me, something I want and am willing to learn all I can. Hell, maybe I’ll go in for degrees and courses to get even better when I can find them (esp. post-Covid).

A month and change from my birthday, and instead of being in the middle of the depressive dumps, I’m actually excited about life because it feels like there are innumerable possibilities… hopefully the best ones.

My headache’s making me nod off, so I’m gonna go sleep on this and dream up ideas and new beginnings. So much to do, but I’m not dreading it for once. That’s a victory enough for me.

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