A few days ago, down in the dumps and letting things wash over me, I thought about really quitting my job. Now, I’m of the opinion that I need to hand in my two weeks notice today.

Without a safety net.

Without a job lined up and already ready to go.

Because all I know is I need out of this soul sucking job ASAP. And I am not sure what other job I should just jump into feet-first yet.

Common, middle-class WASP wisdom (at least in my family) says you don’t just up and leave your job without knowing there’s another one waiting. This isn’t like the 1970s when jobs were all over the place down here. If you didn’t like the one you were at, you quit, went down the road, applied, and got a job that paid even more money.

I’ve always been terrified of being out of work, and suddenly there’s an emergency and I can’t pay my bills, so I would just suck it up and try not to let the headaches get me down.

But I also know what will happen if I don’t take this step. I’ll spend days looking online and sending out applications, and then things will get a little better in the short term at my current job. I’ll laugh at some jokes and have some good days, and then not send out any more applications. And then when I have a terrible day, there are no job offers or applications lined up ready to go so I have a place to jump from.

And the cycle continues again. I’ve done that way too many times in the past. I can’t do it anymore.

I’m almost 37 years old, and have worked nothing but dead-end jobs. I need to give myself permission to try new things and find what I really want to do. I’m a certified high school social studies teacher, but learned a long time ago I don’t want to have a classroom anymore. The bureaucracy would make me want to hurt myself too much, and with the nightmare that is COVID-19 and trying to re-open schools?

Oh, hells no.

And my teaching certification’s gonna expire pretty soon. I can’t find all my documentation to ensure how many hours I’ve done since the last accreditation cycle… and the price of professional development keeps on going up.

Now, I’d be on a tight budget. I took some money out to pay off my credit cards and put them away for the foreseeable future. I get an annuity payment each month that is a bit less than I’d make on average per month at work, but if I’m not going everywhere or buying a bunch of stuff, I can stretch that money out a lot. Groceries and gas and basic bills would be about it, and that won’t cost me too much when I knock out the credit cards.

So, I can take a few weeks to do some home improvement projects, clean, take care of the garden, get the house spic and span (or as close as I’m comfortable with getting it that way). I need that time for myself. I’m so far behind on keeping up with this place, reading books and the like as well. But I also need to relax and think on what I’d wanna do.

Now, I want to write. I want to get back into the swing of writing and learn how to turn this thing that’s been a pressure-release, a dream-maker, an outlet, all into a paying job. I’m going to work on that and really boost my skills. If anything, a job where I can work from home would be fantastic, especially with this COVID thing and if I could have my own hours.

I’m not being as foolish as this guy below, because I do have some options. I just need to be brave enough to try them and stop being a wuss about putting my stuff out there:

Of course, I need to get back on the bandwagon and let my imagination flow. I’ve felt stifled as hell the past few years and need to flex those muscles again. Fiction or otherwise, I love to read and research, and have training as a historian. I have despaired of ever using my history degree because of the job opportunities near me. I’d have to drive at least an hour through heavy traffic to get any of the jobs that make use of a history degree around here.

On the other hand, it occurred to me this morning that if there were internship opportunities, I could possibly take advantage of one of those and get a job that way if the online thing doesn’t work out (or while doing the online thing if the hours aren’t too insane).

Yup–something else to research this week.

Now I have to type that two-weeks notice. I wish I’d thought of this earlier, because there’s a trainer at the location today that is helping others learn how to do my main job, and they could’ve tried to hire one more real quick before then. Oh well. At least this way, the beginning of the end is at the start of the new pay period and will make my final paycheck easy to calculate.

I like to make things even like that as much as possible. Guess it was a sign.

So, time to get cracking on a helluva step in my life. This could well be a mid-life crisis. I haven’t ruled that out. But honestly, I get more headaches more frequently and I hate how the owner is tightening the screws (damned cheapskate) while he’s never done the job himself and doesn’t know how it goes from day to day. I hate how he is when he gets into his micro-managing-on-steroids moods. Even when things are well, he absolutely HAS to find something to pick on or point out, as if to justify his drive and his existence for the day.

It’s at the point where every time I hear his name and “_____ says…”, I swear my heart rate jumps up because it’s either something very nitpicky and stupid, or it’s something that’s gonna make the job a lot harder for the short term. I hate how he’s making my bosses jump through hoops (it’s even worse when he’s on vacation–he’ll e-mail them a ton of crap to do or message them, but when they need clarification, he’s suddenly unreachable and is like “uh, I’m on vacation. Why are you bothering me?”)

Yeah, that guy’s the main reason why when I had the chance to get a promotion from within to assistant director, I didn’t take it. I thought real hard about it, but even then, it would be at least triple the stress for more money, but still a dead end job in the long run. The perils of being in a franchisee.

I really hate how this is gonna put my co-workers in a bind, but I need to do what I’ve been telling myself for years and actually take care of myself first. I suck at lying, so I’m gonna have to do some evasions when it comes to why I’m doing it. And I’m gonna have to tell some people over the phone before it gets announced to everyone, or else I’ll never be forgiven.

There are a few people I’ll miss seeing, but I just can’t be there anymore. One of my co-workers drives furthest of all of us and lives farthest from me, too far to hang out or meet up most of the time. But she’s staying home much as she can because she’s worried about COVID and her family, much like I am. Maybe we can catch up and be friends elsewhere. I haven’t seen her in months, so this could be a good thing in the long run. Worth a shot.

I’m a little apprehensive just because I know it’ll be a most-awkward two weeks (if I last that long; for all I know the owner will go into a snit and just tell me to go home). Maybe I can turn my yard into a paradise with what I’ve got on hand, too, and really enjoy the hell out of it. And finally knock that to-do list down; the one that keeps on growing because I’ve been too busy taking over other people’s shifts or the timing of the shift doesn’t let me get very far in what I need to do.

But I gotta admit, it’ll be great to finally wear all my awesome geeky or political t-shirts and shorts any time I want, too.

My inner “me” is fussing about and wants to breathe. Writing jobs will help.