At least, nothing that absolutely needed to get done. I should’ve had a clean house top to bottom by now, a bunch of hours of exercise under my belt, lots of music practice, etc.

Instead, I ended up wasting days going over my book list, revising and editing what to read and when (and leaving wiggle room for impulse reads). I’d already done it once, and then I just kept going, and going, and going. And when I didn’t like it, I tore it down again. That was the past three days, and I can’t understand why I let it go on so long!

I should’ve been doing other things all this week, and I definitely could’ve used the mornings to finish cleaning the house (and putting the Christmas tree up). But no. For some reason, I’ve been stalling.

It’s not a New Years Resolution thing–it’s like general blah-ness going on. I’ve got that conscience in my head (or maybe something similar) screaming in my ear that there’s a bunch of things I really need to do. I have to improve my health and learn what all needs doing to make healthy changes.

I have to go to the gym as well as the kitchen so I have healthy habits as as well as healthy food.

I have to get things going at work and figure out what I want in case this worth thing doesn’t stick around for me very long.

I have to find my dreams again, or invent new ones.

I have to be more sociable.

Blah, blah, blah.

That’s the problem. I can’t figure out where to start first because it’s all related in some way. I have to overhaul my life because I’m not going to be able to keep going like this.

My life is damned lonely in a hundred different ways, and just doesn’t work. I’m in a mental, physical, emotional rut. I can’t wait to visit my doctor for a checkup next week because maybe they can get me in touch with a few colleagues they’d recommend: a dietitian to help navigate the less-sugar, more-iron, less-fat, more veggies path I’m trying to go for would be helpful.

The other would be another therapist. My health plan dropped the one I’d gone to last year, though i’d make some changes as to how to approach therapy this time. For one, I’d want more consistency in the appointments, and have a good plan to pay for it.

There’s so much that’s been going on in my head, and I partially blame the holidays for it. They get me thinking about what I don’t have more than what I do have, and I’m sure it’s the remnants of the December Dumps that I’ve been limping along under. My sleep has been lousy and I had a pretty vicious migraine earlier, so that was a day on the mats I had to miss out on again (dang it).

I’m crawling my way out of those dumps. I guess it’s the idea of getting older and not knowing where I should go from here in my own life, and problems with family (past and present) that have left me second-guessing myself every day. I do like the idea of some profound changes, because even though I like the job I have now (most of the time), I’m not sticking with it for decades. I can’t make a living off of it, especially when inflation rears its ugly head. I can’t advance any more, there are no more pay raises left for my position. Something flat out has to change.

That’s what the rest of the week needs to be about as I finally get up, put the Rocky theme in my head and clean my house. I just got so used to limiting myself for all those years that it’s developed into a horrible habit. And I don’t know what else I’d prefer to do in my professional life, I just know it’ll have to change.

I thought my teaching degree was kaput, but I still have a few months where I can rack up professional development credits (of course, getting time off to do them is another matter) I just don’t know if I want to teach anymore, at least, not in public school. I’ve tried other avenues for years and I figured I could do several different things, but it seems my degree limited me as much as it gave me opportunities. I hate how degrees are interpreted as too broad or too narrow a focus, though it depends on who’s doing the looking, too. I’ve come close to other jobs only to have the requirements abruptly change or the opportunity be no-longer available before interviews have even started. That game is just exhausting to play.

And I have come to absolutely HATE job fairs. They feel so damned phony and useless. Long lines, everybody’s dressed alike, plastic smiles. Fake, fake, fake.

I had plans to teach, and now I worry that I just don’t have the chops to do anything other than tutoring kiddos. What I do is necessary and I fill a niche, but that helps others far more than it helps me right now, and I can’t keep going along like that forever.

I might have an opportunity at my current job, one that might end up designed just for me. What that might entail (a raise would be freaking sweet), it’s hard to say, because it doesn’t exist elsewhere… yet. But it’s gonna be a tough sell by our acting person in charge because the owner likes to penny-pinch. But if the owner doesn’t want to lose more experienced staff (as short-handed as we already are), they’re gonna have to budge in some way.

I suppose that’s part of what’s held me up, but I have to get back to life. I am finally going back to volunteer re-training next week, so that’s a start. Maybe I can find something better there… or training that would give me options closer to home.

It just stinks when you’re at the point where all your plans for your life have to be heavily amended. Plan A was so far in the past I can’t even remember what it was anymore, and if I haven’t run out of letters of the alphabet yet, I’m sure it’s around the corner. I absolutely have to work on so many things to improve my life, my sanity, my health, my work-life, etc. The trouble is, what to start on first?

That’s why my conscience has been screaming at me to get up and work on something, other than another list, another procrastination method. Perhaps “working meditation” is worth a shot, because what I’ve managed to do has been about as effective as swabbing the deck on Titanic while the water’s coming in. Pointless.

Change is inevitable, and in my case is absolutely necessary. A few days to see how this opportunity-that-may-well-be will turn out, and then I can really act (while cleaning). Because sitting and waiting for something to happen is NOT what it’s all about.

So, a toast to the voices in our heads. Hope yours have been more helpful.