This feels like a dumb question to me, but it’s one that’s been on my mind for some time. I had dreams about how I wanted my life to turn out: a good teaching job, hubby and kids, not filthy rich but comfortable enough and not one paycheck away from losing everything or being unable to pay for the emergency room.

I had other dreams that were more like daydreams, where you imagine yourself doing something awesome, like maybe being a great actor or actress, president, something like that. Those I don’t call “dreams” per-se because if you imagine what kind of movies you’d wanna be in as an actor, but have never worked toward acting a day in your life and/or have intense stage-fright, then I think of it as more of a passing fancy of imagination.

We all have them, that “what if?” that stays a what if because of circumstances, timing, education, whatever.

Yeah, and now I’m wondering about other possible “dreams” I may have. I want to get better at my instruments. Why? I’m not trying to go out and be a rock star in my mid 30s, so what’s the point? Or, am I (Do I really think I could make a living at this?)? Do I just wanna play for the hell of it? Or do I want to do more?

Most of my ideas (or dreams) of what my life would be like died an early death. I never anticipated living with family until I was in my mid-30s, a graduate without much of a chance at jobs, even with all my schooling. I wasn’t the brightest student in the bunch, but probably one of the most curious, as one of my professors noticed. I wanted to know as much as I could.

People often joked that I was on my way to being a professional student. I probably could be that, but I wouldn’t want to–I’d want to actually use what I’d learned out in the job market and real world, away from the books.

Funny enough, my ever-growing book collection is practically telling me that maybe I SHOULD go the professional student route.

The difficulty is that I don’t want to be a high school teacher anymore, not the way districts are run, how teachers get scapegoated, how students get more violent and disrespectful, and the stupid standardized tests that everybody hates. I can’t look at a kid and tell them a bubble sheet, and answering it correctly, is what counts in life and especially school. It’s a freaking lie, and I can’t bring myself to do it.

So, that’s one dream gone. I’d tried to teach community college a few times, but the department heads weren’t interested in my resume, so that was another dream shot down.

I wanted to write, but heard about how hard it was to get a degree in literature and any kind of writing job like journalism if I never took journalism classes, so I let that one go.

I never got into theater, and even though I had massive stage fright, I wanted to do the technical side of things, and learn all about it and maybe get my guts to get on stage. But we couldn’t do that because I lived too far from school and wouldn’t have a ride home for after school activities.

I let a lot of dreams die early, and now I can’t figure out what they’d look like if they bit me in the butt.

If you’ve lost every dream, or cast them away because life just wasn’t gonna go that way for you, how do you go out and find new ones, ones worth working toward, and know they’re the right ones?

I guess that’s my big question. I have a lot of changes to make this coming year, but I’m completely stuck in most respects. I know I can’t be where I am forever, and don’t want to, and yet…I can’t figure where to go from here.

Have you guys faced this question? Floor’s yours…