My mother called me out of the blue last week. I don’t think we’d spoken in over a year, but all of a sudden she was on my phone, and I suspected why now: she knew my dad was dead.

I didn’t tell her because I didn’t know how to tell her. I can’t recall any good things she ever had to say about him and I couldn’t even mention him in conversation–even fifteen years after the divorce–without that throbbing forehead vein going off.

She was talking to one of my cousins a month ago and my cousin spilled the beans. Mom waited a while to call because she wasn’t sure how to bring it up (just like me). The only reason she knew was two aunts I hadn’t talked to in years called me up because they were gonna be in town last September and wanted to see me, too, and invited me down to be with the cousins and them. But I was in the middle of frantically packing up my house and trying to get out of it, so I couldn’t take the day off. They first asked about dad and I told them he was gone and I admitted I hadn’t told my mom yet.

So, months later, it’s come full circle. Mom didn’t know much and I filled her in with all the major details (respectfully as I could). She cried a bit because she was sorry I had to deal with all the crazy crap that came from it, and how unprepared I was. I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t know how to tell her–I mean, they hadn’t been in each other’s lives in 25 years and despised each other.

And I really didn’t know how to tell her also because things were going through probate.

I did tell her about the brouhaha with my aunt and uncle, though, and that led to today.

She called me up to try to understand the particulars regarding the old house. She’d worked in a lot of jobs that made her very aware of tons of legalese, so I had a feeling there were some things she could whittle down so I could go from there. I need to get a new title in my name but there’s some damned lien nobody knew about holding things up apparently…and it’s making me really really mad.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it if the lien company won’t talk to me because I’m not the executor of the will…but said executors aren’t picking up the freaking phone. All I need is a note from them explaining that I can do all this myself with their permission as executors and that’s it.

I told the lien company that I hoped they weren’t waiting for a cold day in hell. No reply.

For all I know, the documentation’s with my aunt and uncle… along with dad’s damned guns… and as I was drinking my coffee and chatting with mom, it seems I really need to buckle down and get a lawyer to make sure I won’t be screwed because my family is not doing it’s job as executors of dad’s will.

I also got ANOTHER book yesterday on wills and trusts, so maybe I can educate myself over the long weekend and try to find a lawyer on Tuesday. I need to prep my battle plan.

What was so odd was that I wasn’t feeling defensive while talking to mom. I have this knee-jerk reaction when I talk to her–or at least, I always used to. I was able to vent a bit about all the craziness going on and she was listening, though she had to interrupt a few times because I was starting to bounce around in the topics and she couldn’t follow with my anger.

I didn’t go totally in depth, but did give enough that she recommended some steps to take, and one of them was a real estate lawyer. I thought about that, but wasn’t sure if it was the right type of lawyer considering estate issues and the like, but she reminded me that if the lawyer’s honest and worth a damn, they’ll let me know if I should get one with different expertise.

Makes sense–they wanna get paid and if there’s a court case, they wanna win.

It was just odd talking to her in another way, in that she was bringing up God putting ideas into people’s heads to tell me just before everything could go to Hell and that I was listening. She said how I might not believe it, but she was praying every day that I’d be able to pull through and learn what needed learning and be able to do the right thing.

And here I am, damn near an atheist, and mom’s as much a believer as ever.

Yeah, that’s not a conversation that’s going to come up any time soon. Especially since we just got back on speaking terms.

I’m still Questioning, but the more I study and read, the more I begin to scoff, cringe, and get bored, confused, or furious.

As much as people like to use Leviticus as an example of some of the more heinous stuff in the Old Testament, the majority of that book is incredibly boring and repetitive (really bad writing there: God tells someone what they need to do, and the very next few verses explain in detail what the men were doing, which was the same way God demanded it be done with the same wording!). I imagine that’s why it gets skipped over and a lot of self-professed Christians don’t remember the “bad stuff” former believers mention. I was bored to tears and startled in turns myself. I can only imagine what somebody who just pulls out a verse once in a while (or listens to “turn the page to–” from the pulpit) would get out of it then. Hmm…

Yeah, odd how things are working out, and odd that in some way, I might actually want a relationship with my mom again. A few months ago, my therapist asked me if I wanted her in my life and I said, honestly, “I don’t know.”

I’m too confused by what’s going through my head to know what to feel even now.

I just think it sucks that I don’t even know what to feel about my family members and especially my mother. I’m used to being alone in a crowded room, and alone around family anyway. It’s startling when someone finally comes in and wants to talk to you, wants to get to know more about what’s going on.

And startling when you feel yourself reciprocating when you thought all you felt was numb, deep down inside, numb toward everyone.

And that’s the last thought going through my mind at the bottom of this coffee cup. I need it to cool down some more because I still have a lot of deck painting to get to, and I’d want to get at least one complete coat on it while there’s daylight.

Just too freaking hot outside. At least a small bit of powdered Gatorade in water will help me stave off the thirst while I work. I love being productive outside.

It lets me work and let’s the thoughts just flow.