I’m a bit ticked off because I was hoping that by now, I’d be listening to a presentation and lecture on the other side of Houston. Instead, here I am cleaning and wondering if a family friend is going to show up or not…again. Seth Andrews is in Houston and I really wanted to hear what he had to say and ask some questions.

It’s my inner Questioner and researcher…and I love good speakers.

But here I am again, staying at home. No phone call to confirm or deny that they’ll come over, and since the wind and the darkness are picking up more and more, I doubt they’ll show.

And that means tonight or tomorrow morning before work, I’m gonna get in my car and go out–weather contingent. To eat, read, see a movie–whatever.

It sucks to be lonely all the time, but at the same time, the few people in my life and relatively close… I just don’t feel anything regarding them. The closest I’ve gotten to feeling is what’s prompting this question: at what point do you stop trying to re-establish a relationship with family members and just cut and run, leave them behind?

And is that even possible?

I hate that I feel so little for my own family. I’m sure some of this is an off-shoot of depression and such, but also if I were to be totally honest, most of my family members live a thousand miles away. Others are within 50 miles. However, if I bumped into any of them on the street, I doubt I’d recognize them.

Is it worth trying to re-establish a relationship with a perpetual stranger, shared blood and all?

I’m really struggling with some family regarding my dad’s estate. Death and money are really the worst things regarding family that I can see. You could consider today’s post part 2 of what I wrote last Sunday regarding family.

In a nutshell, let’s just say that certain people my dad knew got an uncensored opinion–the same one–about a certain family member. Naturally, being the shielding father he was, he never told me about all this. Maybe he figured they’d be a better person toward me and he was hoping they’d do the right things in life.

Yeah, it’s about that guns issue. I’ve tried to call them the past two weeks in order to get some paperwork that I needed back and those guns they took in for safekeeping. Well, one of them doesn’t have voicemail set up and the other hasn’t responded yet. I did kind of leave it nonchalant, asking how they were doing and mentioning “maybe I could come by” and get that stuff now that I had space for it and all.

I unfortunately get long-winded on voicemail. I already know I’m trying to rationalize why I haven’t heard anything, and the more time that goes by, the more paranoid I know I’m gonna become. I’m gonna give it a couple more weeks and if I still hear nothing, I’m probably going to give up.

Now, that said, I know it’s likely stupid to give up on dad’s collection (and admittedly, it’s the probate paperwork I’m more worried about), but I’m at the point where I feel that those items aren’t around anymore anyway. If that’s the case, then my dad’s carcass has been picked clean and a certain family member can just go to hell (or wherever, just never again on my doorstep, far as I’m concerned).

I take after my dad when it comes to family and being passive-aggressive, it seems. I wish I wasn’t and could find a way to go find them (they had to move to a new location when they gave notice to the landlord and suddenly found out they weren’t going to live with me–oops). But more than that, I am trying hard to forgive dad for leaving me in the lurch and not telling me all the facts about the people we know.

He left me more vulnerable than ever and I don’t like it.

I’m so tired of family and money issues to the point where I’m becoming knee-jerk about them. More than that, I wouldn’t put it past a certain person to actually take dad’s collection and make money off of it, and not tell me about it.

If that’s the case, it’s clear money is the more important factor for them (or at least one of them). I’m not destitute, but I’m not completely comfortable either. Reciprocal trust, family and friendship mean more to me…especially since I’ve had so little of it in my life so far.

That’s why I’m giving it a few more weeks, a month tops. I’m tired of my trust being trampled on by people who know my weaknesses and wouldn’t mind exploiting me. And I’m at the point where I’m so dead inside that I have no problem cutting off that gangrenous limb that won’t stop itching. My stress level’s about to go through the roof.

Amazingly, it hasn’t, because I’ve lost my feelings toward my family the past few years.

It scares me how easy it would be to keep cutting people out of my life. I’ve basically ghosted family members I barely know because I have nothing to talk about, at least, nothing positive. I do better with complete strangers than I ever have with family, and perhaps that’s why I’m so into going out somewhere each weekend, if I can.

I’m ready to cut some more people off over money. I hate it, but at the same time, I was pleased when I came to this possibility a few days ago. I don’t want to spend half of the rest of my life trying to get money or items back that might’ve gone by the wayside or been sold out from under me. The way I look at it: if money means so damned much to a certain person, then I guess they got what they want, but they can also go lose my fucking phone number and get the hell out of my life.

I’m not a saint–I know I’ve been greedy before and it’s a horrible feeling when you look back on it, especially when you’ve been taught that money’s an awful thing and you don’t talk about it. But this is a little different–this feels like a crossroads whereby I can keep trying to keep a family together, or let it snap apart and go on my way.

I mainly hate it because of the uncertainty. I don’t know how long this non-communication’s going to go on, and what else I can do. I’ve gotten ideas for what to look for and who to talk to regarding getting property back, but it’s this element that bugs me the most.

I know there’s a ton of people out there that would say “never give up on family,” and yet, family can hurt a person far worse than all the haters in the rest of the world combined.

That’s what makes it hard: when can (or should) you go from trying to patch up a damaged relationship to cutting them off and not looking back?

***

Floor’s yours…I’m tired as hell and just can’t understand it anymore.