Thank you, Narrator from Fight Club, for making my point nicely.
Yesterday was one of those days where nothing was going right and I ended up on my garage floor, hugging my dog and bawling my eyes out. I’ve been in a state of needing to be around people until it hurt too much to try.
I’m around people even now, sort of–everybody is staring at a screen or talking to family and friends. Granted, today is a work day, so that doesn’t surprise me. I just had to get out of the garage. Three impromptu days off would usually be a good thing, but when you can’t do a damned thing that needs doing, it becomes a nightmare of boredom fast.
And I don’t do well with frustration, boredom, and anxiety at the same time.
The old house has officially been in the driveway–the good, non-soupy part–for a week. Just when I think it’ll stop raining and dry up, here comes more. If it hadn’t rained yesterday morning, I might’ve been able to go home today and see that thing long gone. But I know that monstrosity of an old mobile home will still be there when I get in tonight.
I used to like rainy days and rain, but they’re not likable when you have a ton of shit to do OUTSIDE and can’t get any of it done because the ground’s too soft and it’s to wet. And the termite people can’t come out yet because the pad’s slowly melting, so to speak. The damn sand–even when protected by plastic–is crumbling at the edges and needs to be added to and dried out.
So, that’s even more time wasted thanks to the damned rain.
But it was also my errands out of the house. I just had the worst headache and couldn’t get over it, because everything was too loud. I’d looked forward to finally getting crap taken care of on the internet and moving on, but it was so loud. And when I heard “Let it Snow” on the speakers at Starbucks around 2 p.m. …that was the last straw. It’s super-early November, about 75 freaking degrees and the most annoyingly bright, sunny afternoon I’d experienced in a while.
“Let it Snow”, my ass. That would only make things worse…and my coldest-weather clothes are still in storage!
Then I went to try and cheer myself up with a real meal somewhere, and bumped into somebody I used to work with who was on her way to the bathroom. At least she didn’t seem to wanna join me and chat (I think she and her husband were about to leave), but it ruined my appetite. I have mixed feelings about those two people, especially since a certain clueless suitor used to go to their house and I don’t know if he still does. I can just imagine them saying they bumped into me somewhere…and who knows from there.
That’s something that’s bothered me about my recent forays into therapy and looking for a support group. I’ve got too many stresses and anxieties flying around and when I was on my way home, all the things that were going wrong the past few months just bombarded my brain.
I couldn’t get hold of anybody to talk to, nobody was home and my phone reception began to suck, anyway.
I think it hit me how pathetically alone I’ve been the past few years, and being alone in a crowded room is just expensive if you eat out too much, not fun.
But when I got home and hooked that lab-mix up to his phone-pole leash line, I guess he saw a squirrel and took off, not noticing I was trying to get out of the way. The steel cable line (thankfully wrapped in plastic coating) wrapped around my ankle and yanked me off my feet. I got a bad bruise on my side and could’ve broken my phone.
Then when I finally get done massaging the ankle and can put weight on it without a problem…I can’t find my other dog, Bessie. I called her for 10 minutes, then actually wrapped up my ankle, got my car keys, and started driving around. 10 minutes later, I’m back home calling her and I find she’s come around the back of the house, happy to see me.
I couldn’t help it. I yelled questions as to where she was and what she was doing scaring me like that.
And my tears came out.
They didn’t stop for 10 minutes. I was afraid someone had taken her or killed her or something, and she just sat there, not moving, waiting. I got mad and we went in the back room of my garage–my home for now–and I got all the towels to dry the two off and just sat there and started crying.
It feels stupid right now, thinking about that, but my emotions have been all over the map, and the fact that for weeks nothing’s gone right just made it my last straw. Thankfully, Bessie’s a good comforter and just leaned tight against me til I could hug her back and pet her and stop crying.
It just makes me mad that I can’t change my situation right now, that so much is beyond my control as far as getting the house and property up to par. About all I can do is put together boxes to pack up and move dad’s stuff that’s all over the shelves in my garage room and is impeding my ability to keep it reasonably clean. At least I had the presence of mind to do that.
And today, I just have an air of resignation. My tension was resolved through a brutal massage (most of it) and my fear of missing dogs resolved with some engraved name and address tags to go on the collars. I think she followed a rabbit to the back of the property and into some thick trees, which I used to catch. That stupid ankle prevented me from seeing her go.
So tomorrow’s election day, and I’m all about going first thing in the morning. I wasn’t sure about where to do early voting, and wanted to look up more on the candidates first, so that’s a wait. I was in a sour enough mood yesterday and this morning to note that dad can’t bitch about my vote now, and he can’t vote because he’s dead.
Told you my mind was all screwed up.
It just sucks that I was in freefall yesterday and by the time I can talk to my therapist and support group (which I haven’t met yet because that’s a different week), I’ll probably be back to nervous babbling and bubbly.
Nobody sees me break down.
Is that a blessing or a curse?
I’m glad I was able to let it out yesterday, and do some basic shopping and pampering. Tomorrow’s voting and laundry–two “chores” I really need and want to get done.
I just hate the waiting game…and the rain.
Seriously, no one more drop til December at least. I think the whole Houston area will be okay with that, God.