I’ve been migraine-prone, accident-prone, forgetful as all hell the past week…and yet yesterday I started things fresh and new. I found out how to get the money part right and signed on the dotted line yesterday.

I asked questions, got straight answers, and signed for my house without my hand being held the whole time… and it was kinda nice.

I have one way to go now…forward, for myself.

It was liberating, and at the same time strained because now I REALLY have to work on getting my stuff together and making a bunch of phone calls to get things in motion.

I’m getting a much smaller house than the one planned previously, and at least 500 square feet smaller than the one I’m in now. I’m getting excitable because things are going along at a pretty good rate. Perhaps I was being impulsive and foolishly optimistic, but I already started putting things on layaway.

And amazingly enough, I got to thinking about new dishes I’d have for the place (after 25 years, too many plates and bowls have broken to make this stuff worth keeping anymore–and I prefer stoneware). I browsed online when I was too tired to pack another box or make another file for the cabinet the other day, then remembered that I’d better stock up on some coffee.

When I got to the grocery store, I found some of those stoneware plates that are different colors, the ones that have the color swirled like somebody whipped a paintbrush around it or something. There were blue, green, orange, and yellow ones, in salad plates, dinner plates, mugs, and bowls (and we’re talking big bowls, not the rinky-dink suckers).

I went ahead and got 12 place settings (except for the mugs, I’ve got too many mugs as it is), three of each color. I couldn’t make up my mind, and really wanted more than anything to have a colorful, fun kitchen, even if the colors weren’t all the same. Who cares? I just think it’s cheerful (and will balance out my lavender-colored cookware I got a few weeks ago on impulse). The best part is each item was only $2, which made it the best deal I’ve seen in eons.

But I also think about them in my gray cabinets. I think they’ll pop and be fun and funky.

I re-discovered some design ideas and inspirations I’d made dreaming about my own place the past 10 years, and more than anything, my love of art, music, and a thing for Japanese design.

No, I’m not building a Japanese-themed house, but there are elements I wanted to incorporate in certain places, especially my much-bigger-than-usual bedroom. I never had much in a bedroom because I use it to sleep and read and that’s about it. No crazy huge furniture…but there are a few things I’m eyeing for general best health and mental practices.

I’m reading up on meditation, but I stink at sitting still for it and sitting straight on a flat bench hurts after a while. My legs fall asleep when I try various leg positions, so I have a seiza meditation seat and mat coming to me. I tried to sit on one once before when somebody brought it and I thought it was neat, but boy, they can get expensive. I want one of those when I need to clear out my mind and really get disciplined in meditation… behind my shoji screen partition.

Ah, to think I’ll actually have room to do something like that, find a place that’s for me that’s all peaceful and quiet, and there’s enough room that I won’t be tripping over it all later.

That’s the kicker–I’m so used to cramming my life into side rooms that I’ve had a hard time organizing and making things work, so things would end up missing or moved between rooms so damned often I’d try to take up more space somewhere else, only to be told I was making a mess.

Now, I don’t have that excuse. Everything will have it’s place and be close enough to be put away properly.

I think this is the first time I’ve felt nearly giddy about cleaning, for crying out loud…kind of an icky, weird feeling, really. Cleaning? Ugh.

And even with all this, I have this niggling feeling of guilt that won’t go away. Maybe I have reason to be guilty, and yet some part of me won’t allow myself to feel guilty. I can’t help but feel all this is only possible because my dad’s dead and can’t stop me.

I don’t know if he would–stop me, I mean–but would certainly try to appeal to my logical side and not worry about getting new things, that there’s no need for them. I’m not going crazy on purchases just because I have some money now, not really. I’m going for things I know I would use and enjoy sitting on (I’m getting a whole living room of stuff and another chair for less than half what my neighbor paid for their powered recliner sectionals!)

But more than that, dad’s gone and I only have this money to work with because he’s gone. That leaves a helluva guilty string I can’t help plucking once in a while to make me slow down a bit (or get a small drink). I’m all over the map in my thoughts, wondering what I really should be feeling in any given moment.

Maybe this is a symptom of the curse that hangs over all thirty-somethings who are starting their lives too damned late in the game. I think that could be a part of it. One of the big things I’m seriously considering is returning to kickboxing and Jiu-jitsu. I’m looking for excuses to be more sociable, and that one’s a doozy.

I just don’t want to go too fast while I still have to furnish this place and then suddenly “oops, I owe a lot of money.” I’m putting things on layaway and shopping and bookmarking things to get once I’m settled in, but I’m also carefully marking every penny that I’ve taken out for this project and how much I have left.

But one thing I already budgeted for (with some elbow room) that may help me with this confusion is that I’m going to see a therapist next week. I’ve been itching to do such a thing for a while, and with all the crazy changes the past few months (and the really lousy year overall), I need an outside perspective to help me keep my head on straight (or tighten the screws–something). Blogging helps, but there are more secrets that just aren’t wise to throw out into the Ether in their entirety, you know.

I’m tired, elated, exhausted, full of adrenaline, bored, excitable…sometimes at the same time. There are some deadlines I’m not aware of yet, and I had an unexpected day off today, hence the reason I’m able to sit here more than 10 minutes and actually put some thoughts down. I’m getting a lot of things boxed up in preparation, because I still don’t know the exact date I need the movers out here so I can get the property prepped for the home movers.

The thing I would despise most is making a bunch of people wait on me when they’re ready to go…so I’m trying to stay on top of everything in case of last-minute changes, so all it takes is a phone call or two and there we go.

I’ve got some more stuff to take care of before I turn in tonight and try to tackle another book…enough little things get taken out of the way and I’ll be able to continue with Mr. Shakespeare (twice a week instead of once) for the reading and reviewing. I’m tired of being too tired to read more than three pages a night–that’s just abnormal!