I was doing wrapping up a stream of consciousness writing assignment (my faithful wastebasket next to me so I can hock up my lungs a bit at a time), writing away when it hit me.
Could this be a psychosomatic issue? Can you get cold/flu/whatever-like symptoms in order to avoid something?
My mind-body connection seems to be at war with itself.
Other people have been ill with similar symptoms in the past week, so I’m sure part of it is my environment and some bug going around in the world near me.
However, this is something that’s come up for years. Every. Single. Time.
Now, I have been through the thing where you hope like hell you’re sick enough to stay home from school or whatever so you don’t have to go, and then boom, you are (or you can at least fake it reasonably well).
Or it was just a coincidence. Fielder’s choice.
This is different. This is illnesses or issues that crop up when I WANT or NEED to do something, something that would be positive for myself. Things I’m looking forward to doing. I’m not trying to avoid them.
That’s the part I can’t understand.
For instance, this past week I got to thinking about my writing and making music a priority as well for the first time in years. I’ll need lots of time to do that, but I’m more than willing.
For once, I didn’t overload my schedule to the hilt–I invented some wiggle room for each day and some back up plans in case work was hell so I wouldn’t feel guilty.
It was probably the first workable, realistic schedule I’d come up with in years. I was all ready to go!
Then, what happens? I lose my voice, nearly a week ago now. I can barely talk and my vocal cords hurt if I try to project (they still do a little, and I’m worried). Then I get throat congestion, back up to sinuses, and today, the congestion’s pretty firmly in my lungs.
On a side note: thank you Mucinex for making it so I’m not stripping my throat with unproductive coughs today, and thank you Memorial Day for making it so it’s a holiday and I don’t have to call in sick because it’s hard to work if I’m hanging out with a garbage can and never-ending cups of hot tea or cherry 7-Up.
I mentioned previously that my clarinet abilities have degraded to the point I’d better just start from scratch in re-teaching myself the basics. One of those basics is proper breathing.
And it’s kinda hard to practice breathing and pushing the air out right if you have complete congestion going on!
Either Murphy’s Law and Bad Timing had a love child and I was the result, or something hinky’s going on. It reminds me of when I’d get all determined to exercise, and I’d have the energy to go…then my migraine or T.O.M. would start and I’d be a pained, cramped mess. Goodbye, exercise. I couldn’t get the energy to bother trying, at least not for a few more weeks. I’m still working on how to get around that (have been for years).
Or I’d go for eating right and looking in recipe books, go shopping for good foods that aren’t full of sugar, fat, and salt. Then in a day or two, I’d get a bad sore throat that meant I could only drink 7-UP, orange juice, hot tea, or have lots of bouillon or thin soup instead of leafy greens and veggie-laden salads.
Or in this case, I’m trying to make my life better by making major changes, by making it so I can be artistic and a working-stiff, but eeking my way toward artist as fast as I can by doing my best and learning (and eating healthy). The result: a 2-for-1 deal.
I got maybe 2 days of practice under my belt for piano, guitar, and clarinet (short 15 minute sessions each; I wasn’t overdoing it) and what happens? I get sick, sick with the lack of air and headaches that make it painful to read and I suck down enough liquids to sink a ship.
I couldn’t sit still enough to play the piano, I couldn’t hold my guitar, and there’s little stupider thing you can do with a clarinet then try to play it while sick. It’s not like I can rack that thing in the dishwasher and clean all the germs off, after all. And then I’d have to throw away a brand-new reed (and those things are getting pricey).
There’s gotta be something in me that’s preventing me from making positive changes in my life, something physical, or that manifests physically.
I don’t know how my body can enjoy the status quo: I’m almost 80 pounds overweight, my knees and joints are getting to hate me more and more because of the stress I’m putting on them, my clothes aren’t fitting right, and I can’t buy anything decent to wear that I like and doesn’t make it look like I have two sets of boobs under my shirt (the tire around my middle sticks out pretty far).
I don’t get it. Why is my health sabotaging efforts for self-improvement, and body improvement? You’d think my body would be on board with improving itself, but something’s not right. I am just angry that I’ve wasted a good chunk of a week ill when I could’ve gotten a ton of great things started. Now I have to start from scratch.
Status quo. I’m growing to hate that phrase.
If this is some psychosomatic thing, I’m going to have to do some looking up.
Has anybody else had this happen to them, and did you find a way around it?
Seriously, why is it that every time I try to make positive changes in my life, and I’m excited to do it, I get sick and can’t do it?
Any help would be great. I’ll be doing some research (if I can keep my eyes open much longer), but I’m just so tired of this crap. I want to make positive changes that stick, but they won’t stick if I can’t work on them long enough to turn them into positive habits-turned-attributes!