I love Super Mario Bros. Anyhoo…

I suppose being sick for over a solid week has just screwed me up. First it was allergies, then it was a full-blown cold. The weather can’t make up it’s mind. it’s supposed to be in the 80 degree range this week then jump straight into summer, at least, that’s been my previous experiences with the weather in Houston. The mornings are actually downright chilly and we’re all wearing sweaters and hoodies. It’s nuts.

So, my ability to stay awake through the fog of allergy meds, let alone read, was impaired. I hate it because I could’ve had a lot to write about in the past week, other than the little bits I could manage when I finally came out of the haze.

“Non-Drowsy” or “daytime” allergy meds my ass. All it makes you do is not fall asleep, but you’re half a step behind mentally AND physically and might as well be asleep to get over it. I HATE allergy meds, even when I need them…which is thankfully rare.

Combine those things with the financial ticking-clock in my head (the check I have to cut for the IRS is gonna hurt) and some company taking a bunch of money out of my account–right when I’m about to make out the check, dammit–and I’ve got full blown pain issues.

I hate automatic deductions from accounts, and when they bury their “we’re about to charge you” e-mail in a sea or normal correspondence, well, grr…. I’m waiting for the correspondence to quit so I can cut that check and send it off without fear of being overdraft again. Glad I got that notice from the bank!

My trip out of rock-bottom has met some serious setbacks physically. So, financial’s been a pain in my head, and even my jaw. I’ve never had persistent pain and tension in my jaw before, other than a quick pop needed to get the movement back because I slept wrong or whatever. But it’s like below where I can reach and massage it, there’s a spot that’s wound up tight, or could be. I can’t even tell! I’ve been researching ways to get over it, but it’s slow going.

I have more gray hair than ever before and I cried for a couple of days before I cheated and scraped some money together to cover it up at a good salon (cheaper than my old place, amazingly). I can definitely say a tea rinse alone doesn’t do squat to cover the grays, at least not my stark, obvious light grays in big sections. Experiment failed.

And then the persistent headache, that could be the same as the jaw-ache on the left side of my face. It comes and goes and I try not to think about it, but it’s still there.

I can say my current mental issues are the most likely culprits of what’s been going on, like psychosomatic symptoms or something. I am annoyed, depressed, anxious, and bored off my rocker the whole past week.

I’m actually at the point where I am hungry, but don’t want to eat. I’m tired but don’t really want to sleep… or I’ll try and it just won’t work. My concentration’s been shot to pieces and my boredom ever-present. I think I would’ve gone off the deep-end this week for sure if my financial burden was gone, if I’d kept feeling the way I have til this morning.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like hell. At least my clogged sinuses are relaxing a bit and I’m away from allergy meds. But for the past week, maybe even two, I’ve been so incredibly restless and bored I was afraid I’d do something drastic to end it. I’ve tried to wake up early to get my day started, and ended up stuck in bed, unable to move, and shot my day. Then I’d go to work and try to get through that. Afterward, I had a choice: go to Starbucks and get some work done on the computer, or go home and try to do the same (with usually less success because of all the distractions).

I’ve had a super hard time making decisions lately, and that’s scared me. I’ve tried to do both, and part of me’s been frustrated because the wi-fi hasn’t worked when I needed it to and I went home frustrated, but I don’t want to be home.

I don’t want to be at Starbucks either all the time. It’s pretty damned bad when even my go-to place has no appeal. It’s part of that whole “not hungry but need to eat” thing, too. And that has taken its toll because out of desperation I’ve eaten so much fast food I’ve gotten sick from it, and no wonder I don’t want to eat anything.

Even coffee’s lost it’s appeal for me. That’s pretty freaking bad.

I’m not quite at rock bottom, but I’m trying hard to dig that side tunnel. It’ll at least get me moving, but still feels like I’m not going very far.

I think Wolfgang Puck’s the one that called it “palate fatigue,” which is why all these chefs and cookbooks get so popular because you have to challenge your taste buds to enjoy good, nourishing food. Eating the same things over and over kill a lot in you. I’m in a particularly odd spot in that I’ve signed up for several cooking Masterclasses (including Puck’s), but because my dad can’t eat, and I don’t want to smell up the house with stuff he can’t eat…yeah, I’m screwed.

But I can’t afford to eat out all the time, either…fast food OR good food. But the tire around my waist is rebelling big time with fast food, and maybe that’s a good thing in the long run, bad when I waste money for my taste buds and then get sick.

That’s also held me up, badly.

There are a lot of boulders in my path to making myself better, physically and mentally. I have to get better at recognizing just what is possible. They’re building new grocery stores nearby that have salad kits and such that I enjoy (and I’ll be more likely to eat them if they’re handy-accessible, and they won’t smell up the house), so I’ll be budgeting for those.

I just can’t get over how lousy the past few weeks have been. My motivation and determination were non-existent, and all the worst, most despairing thoughts came in to stay. I was listening to a psychology podcast a couple of days ago and was startled to find that I was feeling most of the “groundwork” for suicidal thoughts: hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness. I think that shook me a bit to hear that, because I was feeling those various things more and more the past few weeks.

And for the life of me, I can’t remember the last time I was happy. The last time I laughed out loud and enjoyed myself with other people.

My current situation makes it easy to experience all three of those things, and I have at other times. However, usually there was something to help lessen the effect, and get my mind away from it. But it’s not the case so much this past time. I am preparing to take lots of Masterclasses and learn some new things (and perhaps review them for you, dear readers, in case you’re interested), and read some of the books I bought to help me out with them. However, the whole paying taxes and worrying about summer hours issue has taken a hold on me.

Then again, this might just be the worst year of this and that’s why I’m noticing. I want to have more than wiggle room, and I’m doing my damnedest to make sure of it.

So, I’m digging my way out, a bit sideways, perhaps, but digging. I am looking for an afternoon job that will give me enough hours (and be close enough, even if it doesn’t pay all that much) to make it worth it.

Actually, I just remembered… I think it was October, when I worked at the Halloween store, that was one of the last times I really had fun with other people and could consider myself happy. Yes, it was insane and frustrating and I could barely rest. I had some fun in the beginning, when we were setting up and just learning the ropes together…and we could really make each other nuts.

I’m actually going to look at some retail places to get some afternoon cash. Time to look for ways to improve my social skills and interactions (and be more aware of them) with customers and co-workers. Who knows, maybe I’ll make some friends?

I suppose that’s why things are doing better this morning than previously…I’ve still got headaches, but at least I remembered my thumb drive with my resume on it. Operation Paycheck is underway. Time to sharpen the spade and start digging at an angle this time.