I won’t lie–I have a bad habit of over-preparing for things and overestimating how much I can actually get done. Realistic time assessment is something I’ve always struggled with.

I spent most of September and October working 60-90 hours a week. November and early December I spent working at and/or driving to an alternate work-site at least 50 hours a week (I suppose that was a bit of relief).

However, I’ve been having headaches for weeks that feel like they want to be migraines, but aren’t. They’ve been going on for several weeks now. It’s like they nudge the edge and I’d just rather rip the band-aid off already and have the debilitating pain, sleep and medicate it off, and get back to life.

But this is something else.

From what bit of reading I’ve done so far (because I was trying to categorize what this was in the first place), it’s not a migraine. It just has some of the same initial warning signs as most migraines I’ve had.

Instead, it’s apparently alternating between tension and cluster headaches. I feel a vice up in the noggin and then a sharp pressure near a temple, then around the back of my head…it keeps moving around. Usually my migraines move from the left to the right side of my head and I end up with spotty vision. When I see those spots, I know I’m in trouble and need some meds and a cold, quiet, dark area.

I know with my work schedule and my running around, I haven’t exercised in months. Exercise helps tension, and I won’t even get started on my lousy diet thanks to being on the run. I think the only thing that’s saved my stomach lining is the Calorie-Smart Boost I keep in the staff fridge that prevents me from going overboard on fried stuff.

I’m a little angry about my tiredness and forgetfulness. I haven’t been shopping for food in some time, and I haven’t been to the gym in forever (though I need it). But now, my head hurts so much I barely want to do anything. I actually felt it get a bit better yesterday when I stayed home and didn’t go to my other job Friday night. I hate that, because they were short handed, but I was in bad shape and dizzy.

That’s what’s making me really upset. I’m getting bits of dizziness and pressure in alternating ways. I have a little dizziness now, and that’s prevented me from driving an hour to the alternate work-site twice this past week and one day last week. I’m alarmed because that’s not fair to leave them so short handed, but I don’t wanna get in a car accident because what I thought was a migraine was going to seize up and get me at last.

I came home and just took it easy as I could manage. It was scary because I love to think, and it actually hurt to think. When I let my mind drift off (or tried really damned hard to), it’s like the pressure just went down, down, down. But as soon as I got to thinking (since i was just lying there), that pressure went right up again.

Sheesh–I can’t recall the last time it actually hurt to THINK!

Part of me worries that it’s something else (oops, said the “w” word, now the pressure’s ratcheting back up). I’m wondering if there’s something I can do, other than buy healthier food with my next paycheck…next weekend. I have at least 11 more days of this driving back and forth madness, and I’m determined to get it over and done with without killing myself or causing more stress.

I know I should sit back and relax and let it go, but when there are a hundred other things only you can do… it makes it hard. I am trying to get relaxation in fits and starts, but I have to get on the horn and pick my new health plan today while there’s time, also. That’s a whole other bowl of stress right there, but maybe I can finally ask some good questions, too.

Such as, what about doctors that don’t wanna cram pills down my gullet? Are there any around that they’ll cover? Hell, I’m tempted to try alternative medical practitioners who can get me on the ball. Other than grimacing at my weight (which is just about average to others I’ve seen these days, anyway), most of my doctors don’t seem to give me anything practical except “lose weight.”

It’s not that I’m ignorant about weight being a factor in my health–or lack thereof–I’m just tired of it being the scapegoat that prevents doctors from looking deeper. I had a friend that was always being told to eat healthy and exercise to lose weight and her symptoms would go away. It turned out she had a thyroid condition, sleep apnea, and something else that made it damn near impossible for her to lose the weight anyway, but it took another doctor to help her and give her what she needed.

That’s why I’ve avoided doctors and grumbled under my breath about paying for health insurance just to avoid the tax penalty.

But if I can afford a decent plan and find a good doctor that’s not about prescriptions unless absolutely necessary, then I’ll be in better shape. I certainly want some help with these headaches. I can’t afford to go get a massage all the time, though in my own twisted way I love ’em, even when they hurt. But sometimes when it’s a tension headache, a neck massage can make it worse.

I’d love to visit an alternative medicine doc, just to see what they’d say or try to do. Maybe they’d have some better ideas for me to personally manage my stress without forking over a ton of money. That’s part of my stress–being broke.

I want to be able to take care of this, because I’m working less hours (not by choice, exactly) trying to deal with this tension business, and that’s costing me money and time because if I do too much, I’m stressed again. I have many things I’m trying to do to improve my chances at doing what I want in life. What that is exactly, I’m not sure yet. But how can I push myself farther if tension headaches keep me down?

How can I do more and get healthier if I have no energy and can’t move?

Well, time to make the phone call and see what I can do in the meantime. Maybe I’ll get lucky…and then can relax. Time to get some water and take some tension headache pills.