I think there’s just something about that song title from U2. It keeps popping up in my head, probably because it’s all I’ve been doing the past several years.

Running to stand still.

I’ve spent the day trying to catch up instead of moving forward doing what needs doing–or at least, what I think needs doing.

For all I know, my aunt and uncle are not moving in with us at all and all these plans might be up in the air. All my plans are in the air.

So why the hell am I running in the first place?

That’s sure what it feels like.

I’ve already talked about work and being productive, the edge and the energy I have. I feel useless outside of work, and lethargic. There’s nothing to work toward or that I can spare the time for in decent amounts.

And now I’m considering giving up my MMA classes because I’m working so damn much at the worst times that I can’t make it anymore. I have to pay off my debts–and cutting this expense will help immensely, I know. But afterward, I want to resume. I need a year off of paying for that.

But I still want to practice. I’ll be learning what I can on my own, and getting fit and getting help with what I’ve got. As long as we’re really going to make a separate weight room in the house that will let us use the equipment, then I can play catchup. I’ll miss the people I was around, but I can’t afford it.

I might move a few feet ahead if I do that.

It’s a sacrifice, but it’s needed. I can’t work around everybody else’s schedules for everything. And it’s time I figured that out.

I’m re-doing my budget for the next few years, and making it far more realistic. There are some things I’ll just have to slash and cut down on, things I can’t keep up with and things I need to pay off quickly before the interest jumps through the roof.

And if I get a little extra, save up for some punching bags or something. I’d love that…and keep my kickboxing going on the side because it feels productive and fun as hell.

But otherwise, I do have a few things to figure out to actually get somewhere, especially an actual plan for what I can be.

What I want to be.

What I have that can make me me right now.

Time to get off the hamster wheel and take those wobbly steps.

Sober up from my spending addiction and pay my debts off in two years.

Learn to find joy in the small things that don’t cost anything again.

Find something to live for beyond paying bills and working to pay bills.

Find me.

And stop running to stand still. Pick a direction and get the hell out of Dodge.

I don’t need to make myself available for everyone else but me…because how can I work on me if I give myself no time to do it.

Maybe that’s why I like going to work so much…working for a sense of accomplishment and proof of value in the world. I’m faking it til I make it.

(but that essentially means I’m still never going to make it, am I?)

Just more running to stand still.

How can I do anything else, though?

I don’t understand myself, let alone the world.