To make it a fairer fight, and not to malign Gojira’s/Godzilla’s power too much, I’m using the 1954/1956 version that I saw in its entirety.

We’ve got enough “atomic” troubles coming out to risk adding another, right? Besides, I like 50’s “B” monster movies and having “Perry Mason” in one.

So, the to-do list:

This is always the easiest part, writing that one. Whittling it down is tougher.

I’ve got a lot of different things going on, most of which I can at least try to contain with colored highlighters in my spiral planner (I am a bit of a color-coding freakazoid). Pink is exercise, Orange is deadlines and bills, Yellow is writing time, Green is work and volunteering, Blue is book reading and learning, Purple is miscellaneous stuff.

See, I even have to go in rainbow order so I don’t miss anything.

That makes 6 categories to put things in, and I portion out my time accordingly (not terribly specific unless there’s an actual deadline, because I’m not sure what will come about in the next few days). I want to leave myself some wiggle room for the unexpected.

So far, so good.

Then, I pull together the notes and big issues broken down into steps from the post-it notes and steno pads in my boredom bag and on my desk. I made many of these plans weeks (months?) ago:

Since I had already planned out so many things to tackle in the next month, I figured it wouldn’t be so bad…I just had to determine best practices and the best order (and break it down into manageable chunks).

I organized, sorted, feeling the room get colder from the massive eclipse of expectations on my back…and when I should’ve gotten a decent night of sleep, ready to tackle the first step on this list in the morning…

…Godzilla appeared and figured he’d found something good to knock me down on my ass with.

Forget atomic fire–it was a migraine. At three in the freaking morning. It actually put me to bed (though I didn’t know it) then woke me up to say “we’re gonna do this right and you’ll start by yawning in technicolor.”

Seriously, I couldn’t even be allowed to sleep through the pain? I had to stay up and then waste half the day at that, a day I had off to really get some home work done?

Well, I guess it’s the way my plans go: when I get ready to go, something has to interfere, and suddenly all those plans go awry:

The migraine is a heel, a terrible, no-good, destructive force that wreaks more havoc on me than several days of nothing but pizza and junk food (lactose intolerance + cravings + stress = a fickle bitch). It hurts me most because of what I love to do: read, write, listen to music and occasionally watch a movie.

But I can’t use my eyes to read because the light intensifies the pain, can’t stand music because the sound makes Godzilla go bonkers. All I can do is lay there–when I least feel like sleeping–and try to get through it while the monster stomps beneath the skin and through my squishy gray matter.

I just hope to pass out from the pain and let the thoughts shut up while Godzilla has a happy old time up there. But that to-do list–even when I’m in pain–just won’t quit.

And that pain spikes up all over again.

Awful as it sounds, part of me wonders if Godzilla’s really a friend to help me, a bitch-slap to the brain to tell me to get some rest and stop overdoing everything.

To stop overthinking, stop over-analyzing, stop procrastinating with these ever-extensive to-do lists.

To stop making more lists on top of the lists I’ve already made.

I found this today and was startled at it’s accuracy, now that I’m reflecting on this battle upstairs:

It’s amazing how easy it is to fall behind if you keep on backtracking like nobody’s business…and that’s one of my worst failings.

To-Do lists are terrible, horrible things, but they have their uses with me.

The lists I have in front of me have already broken down what needs doing before October, when my aunt and uncle might be moving in. But there’s a lot there and my dad’s not in any shape to really help me, so yes, they’re necessary.

And right now they’re covered up so I don’t end up curled in the fetal position again–I’m starting fresh tomorrow, no worries.

But it’s the #4 on that list up there that’s really killing me.

I have far too many concerns that can’t quite wait, but I’m only one person. It’s the financial stuff that’s come back to haunt me, and that sucks all the life out of my good intentions on my to-do list. I have to put things on hold or shuffle them around due to a lack of time and money…and then go full throttle, inhibiting what needs doing in favor of what I missed the first time.

I’m holding myself hostage.

Yeah, Godzilla forced me to quit dealing with it last night when I’d spent hours looking up info on the job boards, trying to apply to something that I could conceivably do. I was staring at screens, going back and forth between what I could do and how many hours it would take and wouldn’t-it-be-nice-if-I-just-got-more-hours-at-my-current-jobs and all that schtick.

Oddly enough, a third job (fourth if I’m honest with myself and counting writing–as I promised myself I would) would leave less time to get things done on the to-do list.

And part of me is screaming in denial about that.

But having all the time in the world to organize it, but still get nothing done, hasn’t done me a lick of good either.

Another job would suck up a bunch of time, but I’d have a better minimum baseline of hours to work with and make plans around. It’s that minimum baseline of dependable income that I need.

I’ve been scraping the bottom of the barrel too long, and I’m going to lose.

Elbow room. Financial elbow room. That’s what I need the most, and my Godzilla migraine stopped me from stressing even more about it and forced me to step back. Even writing this is painful, because I’ve been staring at the screen too long to write and I’m going to step back and sign off for now.

So, as for that to-do list, I’ll just keep that highlighter and correction tape handy. I’ll reserve blocks of time for different colors, and do what I can with the list starting tomorrow. And what I don’t get to, I won’t mark off, but instead start it fresh the day after.

It took 20+ years to accumulate all this crap–it won’t be moved, thrown out, re-shuffled, re-organized, broken down, torn up in a day, or even a week. Just make it so I can move along.

But for now, it’s back to a dark room and quiet for me, to guzzle some more Gatorade to re-hydrate after getting so sick.

That ought to quiet Godzilla a bit. He’s had his fun reminding me how much I’ve been making myself miserable with Mistress Stress and President Poverty…some sleep might just take care of that.