Yeah, that’s the “foolishly-optimistic” part.

I’ll just wait for the facepalming to end before continuing…yeah…

It started when I had to go to the mall and get some new work clothes. I’ve been wearing the same pants and such for work the past few years, and they’re starting to fade and wear out. I’m amazed that the biggest repair I’ve had to do is reattach a missing button the past 10 years. It’s time to get new pants.

Well, it’s also almost summer, so that means going for capri pants suitable for work more than the long, crappy polyester ones that I get just because they’re sensible enough to have pockets I can actually use. That’s one of the reasons I hate clothes shopping–pants are a nightmare because there’s no usable pockets. I generally shop in the men’s section where khaki pants have actual storage even when they’re not cargo pants. Ugh.

Anyway, found a couple pair and let myself drift over into the dress section. They had a huge sale going on and I found a ton of dresses for only $20. Something in me got thinking about myself and my weight, and how the last thing I wanted was to wear something that was going to cling to the tire around my middle and show it off.

I tend to wear basic scoop-neck t-shirts that’re big enough that they just drape down my chest straight–they don’t hug my curves or really accentuate anything (because the most obvious thing quickly becomes my middle). But I do have some nicer shirts when I have to “dress to impress” and had to wear one today. But yesterday, I thought about a dress.

On a whim I found this one (not the correct size and definitely not me–credit to J.C. Penney). Something about it said “hey, what the hell, you like yellow–get me!” And I did. I got the biggest size they had (which might fit me) and dropped it on the counter before I could talk myself out of it.

Well, I tried it on when I got home (it was late and they were about to close), and no, it didn’t fit. I was a little disappointed, but not that much, because it was only $20 and one day I WOULD fit into it.

Today I went back to return something purchased at a different store and wandered back in to this one to see what else was on the rack. Now, we already know that first one didn’t fit, and it was an 18. Well, I found others like it, a pinkish one, a purple one, blue one (different patterns), some weird paisley one with blues and greens, and a few others I didn’t like so much. All the same low price.

So, I got a dress of each color I liked but in different sizes. One’s another 18, a 16, a 14, a 12. That’s where my foolish optimism comes into play. On a whim I did what I swore I would never do again–buy clothes that don’t fit me in the hope that one day they will because I’ll have willpower to lose the weight and get fit.

I did that years ago when buying clothes for the teaching job that never materialized. Those clothes I still like, but they’re under plastic in my back-up closet for the unwearable because I was an idiot. I counted my chickens before they hatched, and the result was lots of clothes–expensive ones–that I couldn’t wear.

Now, they haven’t gotten unused. I’ve given some away to people who needed a good outfit for a job interview (and they happened to fit–the one good thing about different sizes), or someone lost some of their clothes moving. One in a fire, so I gave a few away there. But I still have plenty of others that only fit me once (wore them to job interviews), but then I gained weight and they don’t anymore.

However, when I saw these spunky, fun dresses–and I’m not even a dress person–I lost my memory of all those awful days. I’m not a fashionista by a long shot, and don’t care too much about how I look (except for getting rid of gray hair, acne, and belly fat). But you know…I actually want to change that.

I wanted to buy those dresses because I wanted to stop hiding myself away. I’ve figured out a long time ago that I hate my body and didn’t want anybody looking closer at it. When I saw that size 18 yellow dress, I shocked myself by picking it up and contemplating wearing it. I can’t even wear it right now–too much belly. But what little I could see in how it fit made me aware of the possibilities, that I could appreciate what I had and wear it for myself…some day.

And it gave me some odd motivation that I really want to have work out. I mean, I’m working more hours at one of my jobs and have to be more professional looking as time goes on. One thing I want to do is to be able to wear this dress to work with a shrug over it so I’m still professional (I know the sleeveless thing doesn’t work well in some environments, but that’s why they make dress shrugs). I’ve avoided dresses because I never felt right with them, but this one just spoke to me.

I want to fit in this dress before the end of summer, to wear it to work once in a while and maybe even a date. Yellow’s a freaking bold color, and not the dark bolds like I’m used to–but a “wow-bold” that fits with me.

I’m the person who wears mostly plain prints, or the occasional splashy top with regular pants (that was me today). Usually it’s a colored polo or layered shirt, black pants, and crazy socks and sneakers. If I can rock my crazy socks, with tie-dye or weird stripe styles or something, then I’m good because it’s still me.

But that’s because I also suck at making good combos. A good dress and good colors would help. I’m not a dress person, but I’m tired of being afraid of “not being able to pull it off,” or thinking I can’t.

I don’t care if I’m obese–I’ve been that way about 20 years. It’s time to stop being ashamed of it and do something about it…and get some confidence with clothes I really want to wear instead of just being safe in.

And for the friends reading this who wonder if that means I’ll be wearing shirts that require half a mile of cleavage hanging out, I have to ask: “what are we, 16?”

Not like I did that when I was 16, either, but you get what I mean.

I want to be all “happy happy joy joy” (with or without my crazy amiga).

And now I have a very good, colorful motivator or my fitness plan…and now that work’s turning around and I can go back to the gym without worrying about last minute calls…I think this will work out.

Before the summer’s out, I’ll be wearing the fun yellow and hanging out at the beach…

Wait…damn.

Means I need to get a swimsuit.

(Sigh).

Dress first, though. I need to get better at swimming, anyway.