I was still a little annoyed with myself for not going to the gym or self-defense yesterday. Heaven knows I could’ve used it–somehow, I woke up frustrated and angry. Dunno what I was dreaming about, but whatever it was got me thinking about past issues and I just needed to get the hell out of the house. I was on a low-simmer mode of anger and annoyance all day.

Then I felt the usual culprits associated with the Time Of the Month (T.O.M. for short) get more and more pervasive, and that REALLY hit me.

(If you’re anything like my dad, those-who-might-be-gents here, you just had a mini-seizure reading those words…apologies to the fellas, but this is the price of honesty).

Dammit! Why-oh-why does it (or a migraine) always show up when I’m itching to do new things and make positive changes? Okay, I’ve asked this before in question #13, so we’ll move on.

Pity that a gym visit should’ve been a priority, but wasn’t. Beating the hell out of a punching bag could only improve my disposition, I thought.

But I didn’t go, because I knew I wasn’t focused and would probably hurt someone–mostly myself. I wanted to get back into Jiu-Jitsu this week, but that requires attention and I just didn’t have it. So, I spent most of the day waiting for work to come, procrastinating. I re-made my reading list because I was being too “pie in the sky” and hadn’t accounted for the “3rd job” I’m trying to get and all the other things life throws my way.

I kept manipulating and adding into my spreadsheets until I drank enough water and coffee and found my stopping point. Guess the dumps hit me late in the game.

And coffee was the only thing keeping me going (all around, so to speak). I just didn’t want to sleep until I’d gotten whatever it was out of my mind. Though it was a time-suck, that “singular-focus” task was enough to numb the crap going through my head–so I did get my focus back enough to just sleep.

I felt last night that I had typical female symptoms that were just going to piss me off this week. The biggest one is cramping and bloating, but dammit, I was aiming to work on getting fit today.

But this morning I had one of those epiphany things. I took my time getting up and jumped straight into my gym clothes and bagged my work clothes for this afternoon. What occurred to me, as I lay there trying to make sense of my thoughts, was that I can still work on getting fit, just be gentler with myself until these symptoms blow over.

With all the moves and intensity, that means no self-defense for a few days, but I’ll compensate a bit by doing double-duty at the gym. That’s not to say I’m going to ramp up the intensity, but time permitting, spend more time on weight loss and weight-training (while paying LOTS of attention to my body and if something’s going to be a strain) in different sessions.

Once in the morning and–time permitting–another round of even-paced exercise in the evening. I ended up not being needed all night last night–maybe tonight I’ll get off early again and can do it.

I’ve read dozens of articles online (they’re easy to find) about exercising while you’re physically not quite up to it. But keeping it going will make you feel better in the long run.

I just have to remember that.

I need the work hours, but I’d love to be cut short again tonight so I could go to the gym this evening and get some light workouts done, just to get my heart rate up and my muscles going without hurting myself too bad. I lost my consistency this weekend, dammit, after doing so well most of last week.

That’s the sucky thing about starting new habits–when you miss one day, it can easily become two or three or a week and then there you are all over again.

Well, I’ve gotta find a way to work with this T.O.M. issue. I’ve read a few articles mentioning that the better you get at incorporating your workouts to go along with your cycles, the quicker you can get over the more “debilitating” symptoms. However, I’m not very familiar with mine and will need some research and help first, because somehow I ended up so “period shamed” over the years that I’ve unlearned a lot of things I ought to know.

Well, I’m not that fit to try all the things they suggest–yet–but I think really paying attention and making gym visits twice a day on the worst days might help me get back on the consistency wagon, and back into self-defense a lot sooner.

And, while working on consistency, I’d better get to work on more water and my multivitamins each morning. I feel better when I remember them, but again–you start skipping days by accident and it gets harder to remember what the point was to start with.

I’m treating myself a bit like a guinea pig here, I suppose, but something’s gotta work and I’ve gotta stick with it when I find it. Any good thing to help me get rid of this damned tire around my middle –and my inconsistency– will help me throughout my life, I can feel it.

And that’s worth it. No more self-delusion if I can help it. Because I don’t just want to lose weight, I want to be a healthy person and live a healthier life, unafraid and willing to be out in the world with other human beings.