In the past few months that I’ve had The Chatty Introvert site (and thanks for your attention so far, dear readers), one issue I’ve been able to partly avoid is my very personal fight with my weight and health. Granted, because of some cyberstalking and other circumstances, I have avoided most personal stories (unless I was really reaching out for help).

However, my main reason for wanting to blog the past year was so that I could be open and honest within reason. I don’t want to be a blubbering mess, but sometimes we just need to reach out. For my “Inner-Space” blog, I’ve basically poured out what was in my head that day, my miscellaneous pile.

“Book ‘n Tea Time” resulted from staring at all these books on my shelves (1000+) and not really reading them because of my impulsive buying tendencies. So, why not read and review them for others? I’m trying to keep track of what I’ve read, reviewed, and posted in turns (the spreadsheet could be a work of art, but took WAY too many hours/days/weeks to put together). Let’s just say, at my current rate of reading reviewing and posting, I’ll have enough material for THAT blog to last me a decade.

“100 questions (and maybe a million more)” is all about the questions—serious, absurd, and anything in between—that I just have/had to ask. Some are very much hypothetical, some more straightforward, but there they are.

But what about my perpetual state of unhealthiness, prodding at my noggin like Poe’s Tell-tale Heart, or the seer in Julius Caesar moaning “beware the Ides of March?”

Yeah, time to give myself an honest assessment of that.

My routine the past 15 years has been like this: I’ve gone to the gym, I’ve stopped going (and paying for it), I’ve re-enrolled (cue the “Rocky” theme), gotten sick and quit again.

I’ve changed my diet, I’ve failed miserably, I’ve been bulimic, I’ve recovered, I’ve relapsed…you get where I’m going with this, right?

I’ve ridden the happy/shame roller coaster for more than 20 years…and I wanna get off. I want to really understand what I’m doing, do some research (and work with it), review some products I’ve tried, and aim to have it corrected before I’m 35 (which gives me about a year and a half).

So, in the interest of honesty—here we go.

I don’t eat well, because I don’t have much money or a decent setup—food brings me guilt because I love to eat, but rarely anything really good for me. I have a bookshelf full of cookbooks that I’ve looked through, made notes on with page numbers, determined to do well for myself (aka, my worst procrastination tactic masquerading as action).

Then I can’t keep it up or don’t cook it quite right, and it all falls apart. I am a slave to fast-food, something I’ve tried to be rid of forever but when I cut myself off totally, I relapse and eat NOTHING BUT fast food. Too much coffee at times and not enough at others, too many odd days/nights of crappy sleep and make-up routines, too little water and fresh fruits and veggies, forgetful about my multivitamins, etc.

Bear in mind, I’m not foolish enough to think that all my crazy, depression, and other little miseries will magically go away if I drop 80-ish pounds. I’ve known plenty of thin, miserable people with their own health problems in my days. However, I haven’t been a “healthy” weight since I was about 9 years old, and I want to know what that’s like.

More than that, I want my confidence. I want to know I can achieve what I set my mind to instead of letting things peter out because I’ve lost interest or ability.

And I really want to protect myself.

This year, thanks to issues of fear and a total lack of direction, I was determined to stop being a perpetual victim and do something about my life. Well, I’m signed up for the gym (need to go back now that I’m not sick anymore), have several workout logs that I’ve written exercises in to do the next few months (again, crappy procrastination tactic, but it’ll help now that it’s done), and signed up a couple of months ago for MMA (“cardio” kickboxing and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu).

So far, I’m getting my butt kicked big time in everything: kickboxing, Jiu-Jitsu, weight lifting, and basic cardio routines. My balance sucks, my energy lags, I’m not flexible (I think I’d scream for joy if I was flexible enough to touch my toes in a reach-down), and I can’t get the knack of proper breathing technique while I work out. This tire around my middle has really made it hard to do things like work on my abs, crouch with my knees, jumps, etc.

I don’t know if I should name it “Mudd” or “Michellin” (Mikey for short).

So, the purpose of THIS particular blog category is going to be my journey to a healthier me, more fitness, more goals and keeping myself honest and accountable. I suck at remembering things, and I am big on learning and asking advice (you guys and gals can attest to that, I think, after all these months).

So, if something works out–an exercise method, some equipment, what I learned in defense class, etc.–I’ll let you know. However, my intention is not to promote some crazy product, fad diet, supplement or any of that bullshit. This blog is just a learning opportunity for me to figure out if something’s done okay for me (or great, or not) and what I had to learn or do to get what I wanted.

And if something didn’t, or maybe I’m in that funky pain that hurts so silly, you guys can laugh at/with me because I overdid it…again.

Right now, I’m enjoying coffee, looking at some books on Jiu-Jitsu, and crossing my fingers, hoping that if I am not too sore to go into my 2nd kickboxing class of the day, I won’t end up a pained wreck tomorrow.

Hugs and hoping for health and happiness, and for all to have a good day.

–Tally, The Chatty Introvert