I gotta thank my sister-by-choice for giving me that last little gem–it was enough to wake me up and let me deal with another few hours away from the coffee shop/second home. I was chuckling, skeptical, and weirded out while watching that video “Donald Trump is a Dinosaur.” It was enough to break through the numbness and get me thinking about something less stressful than the Dump.
So I spent an hour trying to fix my vacuum cleaner, and now here I am.
Sundays have become my stay at home days lately, though I admit I cheated and went out for jalapeno kolaches when my sinuses were all screwed up this morning. They tend to work quicker than most meds–the heat loosens things up in my noggin, and I might sneeze like a fool for 20 minutes, but at least it’s not all day. Otherwise, I was at home, making notes in my notebooks, taking the dog out to play frisbee, reading…and then contemplating how dumb my life has become. Before I could go to full-on dumps, that’s when the need to call my bestie came into play.
There’s something about chatting with that one great person in your life, even on the phone…and someone I can talk politics with without a screaming match in the works (not like we’ve ever talked politics much til now). We’re both chatty, crazy people, but lonely too–and today we’re both a bit sick. It’s strange how that’s worked out. She’s ill; I’m getting over an illness. She’s depressed and so am I. Wish we didn’t live across the country for each other or today would be a totally “let’s get stupid” day.
Not that we’re crazy clubbers or anything–it’s more what we used to do in high school: drive to the mall and walk around and belt out tunes along with the radio while stuck in traffic. I don’t know what was more fun–that we could drown out my awful singing if we were crazy and laughing hard enough, or the looks on the drivers’ faces around us, wondering why the hell we’re so happy in a traffic jam.
Hey, you gotta make it fun, ya know. Boy I miss that fun.
Glad the phone still works, though. Strange how we’re actually on the same page about loneliness and wanting connection beyond a damned keyboard and screen–usually I’m the one grousing about things like that. But we’re both busy people who just don’t get to connect with others in the real world as much as we like.
And this has led to my melancholy on Sundays–going nowhere, doing nothing much except desperately trying to keep busy. At least I remembered how to put the vacuum cleaner back together properly, enough to either try again later or get a repair pro.
I didn’t try to take it apart any more than necessary just to give myself something to do, I swear.
Sundays I rarely have work anymore (or coming back to sleep from it). It’s a day I keep to home now in the hopes of not spending money for once in want of something to do. I make my own coffee (when I can drink it–stupid sore throat) and work on cleaning my office or organizing things, or laundry. But that’s about it. Shoot, before I called my bestie today, I was about to go take a nap and contemplate what hell I’ve been unable to pull myself out of the past few years.
Yeah, great idea, make yourself more depressed.
By 2:30 p.m., I’m usually a super-bored mess. I am itching to get my car keys and go hang out at a bookstore, or diner, or coffee shop.
The irony is, I’m just alone in a crowded room then, headphones on and focused, or everybody else is. And because it was such last-minute, lackluster planning, there’s not much I bring with me to do, so I call it quits too soon and come home just to be bored again.
I admit, chatty-me is all about throwing a few “hello”s out there to people, and especially regulars. I tend to go for 2 minute convos with the servers and cashiers wherever I go (and I would like to apologize if I’m getting annoying when I do that). I wish I knew why, because I’m sure I’m interfering with their work, but I can’t stop myself.
It’s that need for connection that I’m also afraid of. I’ve struck up conversations with people and suddenly we were friendly, and going to trade phone numbers. Suddenly, I clam up and it’s like something in my brain starts up and says no.
I’m afraid of always being alone, but also afraid of never being alone to have time for myself. This knee-jerk over-analysis thing, jumping several steps ahead in the possible-friendship is really pissing me off. How can I make friends if I freak out when someone is actually interested in maybe being my friend? What the hell?
Somehow I missed the “how to make friends” training session in school. I don’t know what else to say, except I’ve looked at writing groups to join (my schedule’s sporadic as hell), meetup.com (good in theory, but I can’t drive all over town–and my schedule doesn’t allow for consistency), and any outing nights around town. Unless I wanna drive a damned long way–and don’t need money–socialization is toward the bottom of my list of things to do.
But being out of the house, away from the DVDs I’ve seen too damned many times, that freaking FUX News on full volume because dad’s going deaf, the lovely puppy that can’t understand I’m not supposed to entertain her every minute of the day…yeah, I can get a lot done. Though I admit, watching You’re Welcome America: A Final Night With George W. Bush made all the political news of the week easier to digest…until dad came in from mowing and started talking about Dump…grr…
(and if you’ve never seen Ferrell’s one-man Broadway show or the DVD version, here’s some handy clips–and more–on a YouTube mix)
But this is when the “Cheers Theme” starts playing and you try to get in touch with those you know and love and want to be around. So, we took the edge off of that loneliness and social withdrawal with crazy laughs, some soul-searching, and commiseration about the dopey bullshit that seems to happen when politics interferes with family ties.
Kinda glad I’m not the only one who has a hard time talking with family because of politics. I’m just the one who still lives with one of them.
But at least I’m at the point where I can get things going for tomorrow and have a relaxing read…and finish my “to be read list that’ll never be accurate or complete because it’s a lousy procrastination tactic” list tomorrow. And self-defense class, because it’s the closest I’m getting to being sociable these days…though it’s short-lived and we’re more focused on NOT hurting each other.